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Aug 2014
The truth is, I don't want to fly
The sky isn't as beautiful as I remember it
There was a brief moment when
roasted marshmallows over a campfire in the yard
smelled like my childhood memories
Yosemite, Yellowstone, running through forests
with a wild happiness and invincibility I can never retrieve
What I would do to restore the streams of life in me
I would give anything
to be whole again

But the truth is, I don't want to fly
I don't want to eat
I don't want to walk another mile
in these ****** shoes
The truth is I am much worse
than I let on
The truth is I can barely keep this job
Because I don't have the strength to care
to get out of bed
I don't remember what the point is
I needed help and I got tired of asking
for things no one wants to give
Love, not medication
A safer home, not condemnation
Everyone's lives cluttered with their own
and I'm no one's own
I just
and when the people who raised you didn't do a great job
when you father said that he wouldn't have had you if he could go back
when your mother is simpering
and manipulative and a victim and a monster all at once
offering conditional, critical love one day
having scarring tantrums the next
when the place you grew up isn't a place of love and
there is no where to go but an emergency room

the doctors don't care about people in emergency rooms unless
you're about to die, and blood isn't
squirting out of my carotid but I sure as hell feel dead inside
they ask you why you aren't on medication
and you try to explain you just want to feel loved and not so afraid
and that depression needs a kind of care
no one is willing to give, which is why you're here in this hospital
with barely enough food in your system
acute stomach pains and chills and they look at you like
a stray dog begging for hospital food, no business being here
they don't give you emergency care in emergency rooms
your broken heart is not an emergency to anyone
But I can't form those words because I haven't eaten
and the pins and needles have spread to my mouth and my toes
I physically literally cannot form the words "help me" and
this scares me so much it is hard to breathe
it is so hard to hold the phone to call someone with stiff numb fingers
so I don't and I cry and I cry and I cry and my hands shake, and I cry
I cannot explain how humiliating it is
to watch the door shut by an indifferent nurse
because your panic attack, your wailing and sobbing is TOO LOUD
so you hobble on numb legs out of the hospital
(once you have gathered the strength and mobility)
and drive home shaking, hoping you can make it to a fridge filled with air
and condiment bottles and plain pasta
and hope the entire staff dies of cancer in a month
that's how bitter you have become

The truth is,
I am useless, a sick baby bird
and I wish someone could love me knowing and accepting
that I am broken
that I am trying to be okay, I am trying to be okay
but I am dying inside, and people keep closing their doors
The truth is, I am ashamed
The truth is, I need someone to feed me
three times a day until I can do it on my own
and put me to bed and kiss me good morning on the forehead
and hold my hand and show me that the world is okay
until I can get up on my own again
I need a break from this job because I can barely
pay attention to the road without swerving from fatigue or sleep deprivation
I need a place to rest that will not ask me for more money
Because I don't have any
because my parents stopped supporting me after high school
and I was a smart kid, everyone says that, but
I didn't have the strength or the heart to get up and keep going
So I stumbled through the world and the years
trying to finish college
but I don't have the strength to get up and keep going
when no one calls, when my family
can't look at me without seeing something wrong
I am out of everything
I try to hold onto routines, but there aren't any
and everything changes all the time,
pack up and move again
I wait for texts that don't come when they said they would and
the reason I wear the mask is because
once you take it off, everyone looks so disgusted
and asks why you haven't seen a doctor
and you tell them that you have, but no one understands that
unconditional love is a myth to you
and no one told you that it was going to be okay and
I don't want to fly anymore
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