here i am again:
amongst the visceral shadows
standing on the outside
while Gods candle
makes a mockery of me
opening umbrellas inside
because i can't get away
from this god ****** downpour
******* with my left hand
because i was once told
'it feels like someone else is doing it'
it gets me wondering about
the difference between losing you
an finding out i never had you

You see
I keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
and something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
it's strange,
somehow i dream but don't sleep
and i wake up

Tired
of feeling like
im something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
of wondering if you can
even tell the difference
between the absence of my voice
and silence

The other day
i almost started sobbing at work
when a woman asked about our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
that's why i rest
in my shadows
in anxious recluse

Now
I haunt the windows
of this house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you are near again

I just seem to stand here
in all of this quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice,
but
since you've been gone i wonder
if when you pushed yourself
away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else was doing it...