I promised myself
that if I ever saw you again,
you'd be shocked.
I'd be so skinny
and dressed well
and interesting
and you'd kick yourself
for giving me up.
But of course
the day you say you'll be there
is the day I'll be cosplaying
and it's what you've always made fun of me for,
why you ended our friendship; because I'm weird.
Because I wear weird clothes
and say weird things.
I wanted to impress you
but as I spend hours in the mirror
observing my costume
trying to make myself still look good
and stop this stupid dress-shirt
from bubbling up in the back
so you can see my slender hourglass,
I start to think that I might just not go.
feign my usual sickness so that I don't have to face you,
so that the reason you gave me up isn't confirmed.
You're a popular model
with expensive clothes and perfect hair and makeup
and cheekbones to die for,
I'm a balloon next to you,
you'd look like a stick
posing next to a farm pig.

I sit down and cry
because the panic overwhelms me
and tears sound like pig snorts
and I realize that you make me feel bad about myself.
you make me hate myself.
My best friend for six years
and you made me disgusted with myself.

I wish I were strong enough to
tell you that I don't want to see you
and that I have better friends.
but I still want to impress you.
To show you that I'm more
than just your old fat ugly nerd loser friend.
that I'm better than you.

but I told you I would see you.
and now I'm afraid to step out of the house.