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Jul 2014
two sugars and a bit of milk
stirred, no, leave the teaspoon in
you'd never drink your coffee
without that ******* spoon
it's been a year
a year and a bit
still can't write a rhythm with riffs and notes
the way you like it
could never break out of talking in circles
the final days, the constant fighting
but it's been a year
and I miss the sound of us arguing

the first time I ever got in a car
and drove away from someone I loved
was with you
you were
the first person who ever knew where to find me
tears pouring into the ocean
like sand through an hourglass
we were never meant for each other
not the way you wanted
I've never held a heart
I've never pulled the trigger
no one ever taught me how to hold a gun,
tore out a piece of both of us
glass hovering mid-air like feathers in a photograph
frozen pieces, and I couldn't open my eyes
you're gone, and I still can't open them

I'm still in Brighton
I'm still in bed with you on fresh winter nights
when we didn't love each other
but I'd come to you with glassy eyes
brimming with emptiness and ask
if I could please sleep there
and you let me
and I wonder why

I try to pick apart the mismatched pieces
our life together like a mad unbirthday party
lovers, and then friends
the best of friends
how I wonder if I ever tormented you
kills me that some things I couldn't give to you
after the storm we were
the best of friends
the best of friends
the best of friends
my heart beating in disordered flickers
like these broken lines
like the candle that has long gone out
the best of friends
Your soul so bright and happy like
that ******* hot Australian sun

the rain doesn't ever tell me why you left
I cut peppers thin, because you liked them that way
always leave the spoon in my tea
I survived the strange weather of my life
falling apart like a raft in a storm
I lay shivering on scorching city nights
full of the wrong chemicals
on that street you wouldn't walk across at night
to get away
from everything I couldn't bear
I lost everything
the pretty sparkle of my blood down a shower drain
I wasn't there anymore
and neither were you
I returned my mother's key
I lay on the wooden floors of an empty house
my mind an overturned hatbox of our happier times
clinging to them when there wasn't food to eat
when bed was the only place I wanted to go
when it was the only place my body could
will myself to remain in

your promises like hot marbles spilled
onto those sizzling littered streets
falling down gutters and out of sight, out of mind
bruises blossoming like violets on my thighs because
a car was coming and I kept walking
welcoming the sweet sting of metal on skin on pavement
hit me hard, I'm ready
soul singing for the end
Where were you, then?
when the last piece of me faded
the last pillar still standing
the one that kept my chin up
you standing there with an arm around my shoulder
years of our lives wrapped around each other
Closed my eyes but I still
had to watch them burn away
clutching my phone, crying for someone
looping your voicemail until I couldn't breathe
trying to imagine what you might have said
to make any of this easier

the world is a different place without you
I know it wasn't enough for us, but that doesn't erase it
Carving a line through the words didn't change them
I wished you well, as time ate away at me

We are flickering, fading, not even friends and you'll
probably laugh by the time you read this
I always leave the spoon in my cup of tea
and try not to cry when I see ordinary things
like elephants, or stargazer lilies,
or cooking appliances, or a cat that looks like the one we loved

I'll always be there
the biggest lie
the way you never said goodbye
what used to be my shelter
locked and boarded up so tight
followed every fading foot-print
but it's time to say goodnight
and I don't think I wish
you very well anymore
Written by
   Connor Ruther and SPT
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