but it hasn’t hit me yet, not fully, I’ve had little bits of it but that big realization, like a whole ocean washing over me all at once, that, that hasn’t gotten to me
yet
for my birthday I got a new leather jacket
fits well has a warm fuzzy inside two stripes, brown and grey, on the shoulder and we (the gift-giver and I) both agree the black material isn’t really leather
I love it
so I wore it to school today feeling like hot **** the best new thing since sliced bread
so I got there and nothing was different
nobody noticed not a word spoken positive or negative I was still just Caleb and they were still just them
I hate it
now I’m home, sixteen with a new leather jacket that nobody even noticed.
what to do? what to do? what to do?
I don’t have homework to do no lines to memorize no chores needing to be done
I’m just sitting here alone with my jacket and my new age
maybe I’ll read a book or write some more poems or go take a walk or go talk to somebody new or something
I feel it
I feel the tidal wave
it’s not here yet but I feel it shake the ground and I see it’s shadow block out the sun but it won’t hit me not yet
I have to know what it is first, know what it means, then it’ll sweep me away, take me to a new level of persona so far away from this one
and as I think on my day and my new leather jacket
I think on how little anybody cared and feel the splashing of water on the back of my legs