you cannot comprehend how much you will care

how badly it will hurt
how terribly you will want to die

even if you’ve known it before
to feel it again
will burn ten times worse
than you ever remember it

you will hate yourself for it
and worst of all
you could’ve stopped it
too

but then,
perhaps,
maybe it is
out of our control,
maybe it’s not magic,
or special,
or grand,
and it's best to smile about
the fact that it’s just you,
nothing else,
that caused these events
and now,
*this.