Apr 2014
I see her there from across the building,
Hair covering her purple, tired eyes.
Her mind is not here, but deeply musing,
And my "Hello!" makes her jump with surprise.
I sit, and she quickly masks her writings,
Believing I can't see her quick mind shut.
But as we talk, I see she's still thinking;
I ask her what she wrote on the lined page. But
She tells me not. I found out later though;
About the fights with her 'loving' boyfriend;
The 'caring' family, whose care they never show;
And the school that's making her lose her wits.
Gradually, her mind is turning to dough.
She thinks no one cares. Little does she know...
Hair covering her purple, tired eyes.
Her mind is not here, but deeply musing,
And my "Hello!" makes her jump with surprise.
I sit, and she quickly masks her writings,
Believing I can't see her quick mind shut.
But as we talk, I see she's still thinking;
I ask her what she wrote on the lined page. But
She tells me not. I found out later though;
About the fights with her 'loving' boyfriend;
The 'caring' family, whose care they never show;
And the school that's making her lose her wits.
Gradually, her mind is turning to dough.
She thinks no one cares. Little does she know...
This is a love poem, yes, but it is a platonic love poem about a friend of mine. Recently I spent the majority of an evening with her after inadvertently meeting her in the local library and then walking to a sort of youth group together where we again spent more time together through being paired up for an activity by the youth leader.
That evening I saw a lot more into her character, and through little things she would say or do, I began to piece together elements of her life, and saw that she wasn't entirely happy with the cards Life had dealt her.
It greatly moved me, and allowed me to gain a greater sense of place and humility.
I just want some feedback on how to improve my writing style, how to best utilise the techniques that I'm currently using, and some general feedback on the quality of the poem itself. Thanks a lot!
That evening I saw a lot more into her character, and through little things she would say or do, I began to piece together elements of her life, and saw that she wasn't entirely happy with the cards Life had dealt her.
It greatly moved me, and allowed me to gain a greater sense of place and humility.
I just want some feedback on how to improve my writing style, how to best utilise the techniques that I'm currently using, and some general feedback on the quality of the poem itself. Thanks a lot!
