i know you're thinking about it now, too.
fingers dipped into coffee ice cream.
watching 'girl, interrupted,'
and i know you watched it closely
and maybe you questioned it like i did.
i know you're thinking about
those nights that we talked until
it wasn't the night anymore.
rushed phone calls when we
felt desperately to hear the other's voice.
nights spent in laughter,
nights spent in fear.
secrets, and dreams.
slurpees, and hiding from the heat.
and i remember that when you left that day,
my pillow smelled like you.
and to be truthful,
i held it and inhaled until
i thought my lungs could burst.
i tried to hold you in.
i tried until i couldn't anymore,
just to have that little bit of evidence
left over of your visit.

i'm so sorry that i drove you away.
i begged you to stay and then i left.
i fled, constantly, and i don't
know when i'll stop running.
i'm afraid of standing still,
but i'm also afraid of the
pain in your ocean eyes.
i'm afraid to be the one who causes it,
even though i know i am.
i'm ambivalent,
pulled between wanting to heal it
and wanting to protect you from it.
you'll never understand.
i'll never understand.
sometimes it's just easier for me
to leave it all behind.
to leave it to melted slurpees
and ice cream and movies.
to late nights and secrets
and the heat of everything.
and maybe, just maybe,
the upcoming cold will
bring the end of us.
officially.
but we both know this won't happen.
because i don't know goodbyes,
and i don't know severed ties.
i don't know how to end poems
or tie off chapters.
all in all,
i ******* **** at leaving.
and i'm sorry for that,
i really am.