the LORD & I have been arguing for days
over four small words:

[thy will be done.]

let this be known:
never is there a bigger sacrifice
than compromising the cloth that has woven your soul,
choosing to burn its textile
rather than cling to its strong stitchings & worn-in, familiar pattern,
leaving you in nothing but incinerated rags.

I plea for maintained remains of
this combusted fallacy of joy,
whilst He responds with simply

[I am making all things new.]

please hear this:
there is truly nothing that can mend you here,
nothing that can weave you together &
save your heart from being torn
as a love letter ripped into shreds of its possibilities,
leaving you with nothing but
disintegrated
dreams.

my past is aching to become my present,
& my perceived future has begun to rewind.
my place in this world has become null&voi;;
without the hope I once held close.
for what happens to a princess
when her earthly prince continues to commit slow suicide?

[peace, My child.]

I can hear my bones screaming to be heard,
as songs on a broken record,
stuck on repeating the same old refrain:
please please please please please…

[on earth as it is in Heaven.]

night sweats--
when your mind cannot stop running even whilst you sleep.
shaking limbs—
when your heart trembles & begs to stay alive.

[plans to prosper you, not harm you;
plans for hope & a future.]

I’m strung out on all these things that keep me sane
while my mind feels like its going through
withdrawals of the Holy Spirit—

WHERE ARE YOU, GOD
& WHY IS THIS YOUR PLAN?
YOU DO NOT LOVE ME AS YOU ONCE DID.

[those who hope in the LORD renew their strength.]

laying on my bedroom floor
with hymns pouring from my mouth
like tongues of fire & bile
I feel farther from glory
than I ever have.

[He restores my soul.]

LORD
as Christ once begged of you
Take This Cup,
LORD
I plea
for deliverance
for reconciliation
for an exodus from this body that is
full of intoxication
& self-loathing.

[until the very end of the age.]

LET MY SPIRIT RISE FROM THE ASHES
& BE HEALED OF THIS HORROR.