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Jan 2014
Hey Anna. I went to Manna today for the first time since your memorial. I thought I was ready but I was very, very wrong. As soon as I walked in I was instantly hit with that sinking feeling of realization... I miss you so much. When the service was over and all the people began walking out, I started searching very frantically. I think I thought that somehow, If I looked hard enough, I would see the flare of your red hair in the crowd of people. I cried when I didn't see you there. I mean, I guess I knew that I wouldn't see you, but I was just hoping... anyway, I miss you so much. Nothing is the same without you. I thought it would get easier with time, but it's just gotten harder. I just wish we could trade places, I'd do it gladly. I have a bestfriend, Anna. You would've liked her a lot. Her name is Michelle and she reminds me a lot of you. She is a very good person. You'd be so proud of that fact that I actually found a friend worth keeping.. You know, when I found out about the accident, It was Wednesday, as soon as I got home from school. I just screamed, and screamed, and screamed... I texted you when I found out. I said that I would never, ever forget you, and that I would always love you. I wish it would've been me. It's not even a selfish thing. I don't want you back just for me, but for you. It's horrible that you don't get to experience life just as it was getting so much better for you. You deserve the world, Anna. And for other people, to think, you did SO MUCH for others. You would've changed the world, I just know it. But you changed me, and I've changed others, because you helped me become who I am today. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you! I get my drivers permit Friday! Isn't that awesome? You would've screamed and taken me to cold stone. I wouldn't want to eat in front of you, but you would've given me puppy dog eyes and I would've caved just like I always do. One time, I did something I really regret. My first thought was how disappointed you would've been, yet, at the same time, you would've been understanding. You would've told me to keep trying, and that it's going to get better. I know that when I landed myself in the hospital, you would've been the first one there. Heck, you probably would've even stayed the night with me and sing with me. Remember the last night I saw you alive? We laid down in your car and sang Neko Case. And then, when I was at my door, I ran back to give you another hug. I looked at you and said "Things are going to go so well for you. There is so much in store. I love you." I hugged you so, so, so tight. I just knew that I had to. Anna... I miss you. In every thunderstorm, I see you, and I remember how we use to watch the lightning. In every sunrise, and every time I go to the lake.. Remember the time I just sat and cried and cried and you held me in your arms? Remember when I told you my big secret, and it turned out that you had the same exact one? Remember when you read me your journal and cried? Remember when you saw some guy on the side of the road and honked because he had a beard? Do you remember me, Anna? I remember you. You are still real. You didn't leave. Every morning I wake up and expect a phone call, and every night I go to bed shattered because I didn't get it. Do you remember me, Anna? Do you miss me? How is it up there, is it everything you'd guessed? How are you, Anna? Are you doing well, because I'm not. I miss you. I miss you so much, Anna. I love you. ...
I need you. I miss you. It's selfish to want you, I know. I hope you're happy. I really, really, really hope you're doing well. I think about you every day. It's the thought of you that keeps me going... I love you, Anna.
Well this isn't a poem but I really miss my sister so... I had to write something.
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