i think ive fooled everyone.
they all believe im happy.
that my laughter and smiles are real.
and yes, sometimes they are...
but, id rather see the blades and the blood.
and the real smile that creeps onto my face as
i press d
               o
                  w
                      n
into my skin and the vein opens up
and the blood starts pouring out.

i see myself doing this every night.
i know one day that i am bound to relapse.
i know that one day i wont be able to take it anymore.
i know that i probably am a bit crazy... probably even on the verge of psychopathy/sociopathy...
but, i am trying. i am trying to stop and i guess thats all that matters.

sometimes i believe that i should've killed myself last year,
but then i remember that i wouldn't have met half of the people that
i have come to love today.