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Jan 2014
I must have heard "Let go, Let God". 36764895038567 billion, trillion times before.
I never took it into account of what it was actually telling me to do.
I mean i would say i was a child of god.
I would pray to him, or at least thank him for getting me to work in the morning.
But it had been awhile since i established a relationship with him/her/energy/universe (Whatever you believe in)...
Last March, i was unemployed for 6 weeks. Moping around, hopeless, applying to job after job, confused, upset... I had a place lined up for me, and didnt know how i was going to pay the deposit, or buy furniture.. literally in and out of my head....
But there was a " knowing" ... there was a feeling inside of me. I would say everyday when i woke up, that i would get a new job, and i would move into my place. I started painting my place before i even signed the lease.... i put all my belief into the things i wanted... i held nothing back...
And little be hold 6 weeks later, not only was i blessed with the money for my lease...i was hired at a new job the same day i moved into my place.....
So i did " let go, let god" .... i began believing in something  i couldn't see.. and put my faith and soul into my desires....
So about a week ago i began suffering anxiety attacks.... mind you i have had anxious moments before... still i did my best to avoid the signs.. still continued on the same process and routine.. still drank and ate crap.. i ignored ALL signs...
i would literally feel anxious in my home.. but would let myself believe it was something minor...
well little behold it was a movement i sure wasn't ready for....
I legit felt like i went CRAZY... i couldnt think straight.. i felt the world was crashing down on me... i went to the hospital and they gave me anxiety meds....which i needed the first few days... plus i think they are good to have.. sill though there are always signs....
one doesnt need to have anxiety attacks to learn they have to change or take care of themselves... this is when being aware of your surroundings and listening to your soul comes into play...
Im aware of this now. Not going to lie... i spent the last 10 days worrying that i would never be myself again... but my old self is not my better self. my old self was a worry wort who expected things to always go a certain way... but if you actually relax and dont have expectations... dont get me wrong..set some goals here people... but dont necessarily obsess over them..
BUt i feel god has made me UNCOMFORTABLE... for a reason....
i wouldnt have taken notice to my life or lifestyle if he hadnt...
i think i was more devastated and willing to resist this whole process cause i was like ummmm yeah im a ****** i need to go home into my own bed...
until today when i realized how blessed i am. im blessed to have family that will let me stay with them. im blessed to have god willingly taking me and giving me an opportunity to change and grow...
im blessed to shed tears and heal layers of my soul that i didnt know even existed...
im blessed to have learned at a such a young age of 21 that life is what you make it....
God has a plan for you...
You may not undertsnad his plan....
but his ways are bigegr than your ways...
and his thoughts are way bigger than your thoughts...
so if you place your faith in higherpower/god/him/her/universe...
you will see change....
when you completely utterly let go... and have a kind of "****-it" attitude....
you will be moved...
even though i am walking out of the darkness this past week...
i am doing my best to stay afloat...
each day i will get better...
there is no doubt about that...
LET GO. LET GOD.
Alexa Oliveira
Written by
Alexa Oliveira  Finland
(Finland)   
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