I think of you often
for all the wrong reasons
and maybe a couple of right ones
the right ones that you discarded
because they felt insincere
have never stopped haunting me
if my obsession wasn't obvious
my affections should have at least
been spared your anxious pruning
the mortal fear of believing love
could bloom in the dankest of crevices
that, years of friendship could outlive
the conspiracy in your head, instead.
I was heart broken
truly felt like the knife couldn't go
any deeper even if i wanted it to
bad enough to make me celibate
good enough to keep me celibate
it only lasted as long as it had to
I was saved, but not for the sake of it
soon I found myself right where it ended
the words you left me with still ringing
like wedding bells in my head
coveting you, comforting you,
supporting you, scolding you,
being loved and then rejected, by you.
I am stricken thoroughly
I wish there was a way out of this
I don't deserve it and I should be mad
at you, at me, at the universe
but I long for it, for all of you
the madness and chaos you breed
masking intellect that supersedes
your crown of humility and modesty
I miss the voice of your words
and the strength they exude
the scars of your soul, your unrelenting drive
and everything I couldn't be, or hold.