Nov 2013

New start, you said, We can try again
Opened my curtains and showed me the light
of a brand new day, with hope and power
I want to stay asleep, but even in my half aware state I am wondering
how you are here after last night?
When I said all those words, flung them at you violently
showed you my scars, and opened your eyes to what I'm doing
Why are you back?

I have never believed in unconditional love
I can't understand it
never questioning what slams it down
always  rising above life and flaws
I can't believe in an eternity of caring
a permanent residency in your head and heart
And it's only a fraction of eternity, 16 tiny years
but that's a a lifetime to us and
a long time to keep proving me wrong
Because when I push you away and lock you out
hurting me, hurting you
with harsh words and angry screams
hospital visits and cold sweats
I think you're gone
and I fall against my wall (that keeps you out) in relief
I can breathe
I am free of ties to this earth, constricting me
and if in a moment of blind stupidity
I cease to exist- then you can't be pulled down with me

But you just won't let it go- let me go
You keep arriving back on my doorstep, with a new plan
new opportunities to keep me going
more tactics to keep my 'issues' under control
Every time I abuse this relationship it chips at some of my dirty soul
but I really want you to be alright, absolved of me
I don't have the energy to keep shoving you away
or keep up this facade so please, could you at least
build your own brick wall?
stop me from relying on your immovable presence
and your rock solid love
stop me from feeding off your hope
because I have these ugly raging
fault lines far beneath my exterior
Quakes I am no longer in control of
and if these cracks begin to surface
I'm scared you will bear the brunt of my storm
and I will hurt you more than 'i ever have before

Jenna B
Written by
Jenna B  South Africa
(South Africa)   
   Renée Yee, --- and ---
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