Oct 2013
This journey:
this path I’m on seems ever circular, bringing me back around to the same old lessons that for some strange reason I am just too dense to understand.
There is something I feel I should be learning – or something I need to let go of – or is it grasp? Maybe it’s both…. I don’t know.
I feel like I’m on a roller coaster –
one minute I’m strong –
I really believe I can do this…
the next, I am hiding again…
allowing myself to be lost in shame and self-hate.
A few months ago, I felt like I took this huge leap forward...
self-care, healing, opening emotional pockets…
knowing full well that I needed to keep reminding myself about the lurking shadows...
the ones who provoke me and make me feel bad even in the midst of making strides forward.
So here I am, feeling those same old feelings of guilt and shame and hatred.
I suppose I know what the shadow is that lurks, but I just don’t know what to do with the shadow. How do I bring it into the light to stay?
My husband tries to use my “achievements” to bolster my confidence, help me shed this bone crushing feeling of self-defeat, but those achievements are a smokescreen – an elaborate, disguise, the stronger I seem, the less likely anyone is to guess what a coward I truly am.
I can fool others- but not myself.
The first time, I lost, it was to him
this time, it comes at my own hands….
And that seems to be so much worse...
I can feel myself backsliding …. So much up and down!
When does it does it stop?
Does it stop?
The term “survivor” implies a certain level of triumph or victory. The term ‘victim’ carries connotation of guiltless submission. I am neither a survivor nor a victim. I am a fraud, a shell of a person hidden inside a carefully constructed facade. I have not triumphed over my past, and the damage it continues to cause is due to my own personal failure to set it aside. I have managed to surrender my whole identity because I lack the courage to claim my truth.
Healing is a lot like daylight savings time...
fall back, spring forward, over and over and over again.
It makes me dizzy, sick to my stomach and depressed...
all of this back and forth.
Now I feel the path has once again ended
and I am left standing alone.
this path I’m on seems ever circular, bringing me back around to the same old lessons that for some strange reason I am just too dense to understand.
There is something I feel I should be learning – or something I need to let go of – or is it grasp? Maybe it’s both…. I don’t know.
I feel like I’m on a roller coaster –
one minute I’m strong –
I really believe I can do this…
the next, I am hiding again…
allowing myself to be lost in shame and self-hate.
A few months ago, I felt like I took this huge leap forward...
self-care, healing, opening emotional pockets…
knowing full well that I needed to keep reminding myself about the lurking shadows...
the ones who provoke me and make me feel bad even in the midst of making strides forward.
So here I am, feeling those same old feelings of guilt and shame and hatred.
I suppose I know what the shadow is that lurks, but I just don’t know what to do with the shadow. How do I bring it into the light to stay?
My husband tries to use my “achievements” to bolster my confidence, help me shed this bone crushing feeling of self-defeat, but those achievements are a smokescreen – an elaborate, disguise, the stronger I seem, the less likely anyone is to guess what a coward I truly am.
I can fool others- but not myself.
The first time, I lost, it was to him
this time, it comes at my own hands….
And that seems to be so much worse...
I can feel myself backsliding …. So much up and down!
When does it does it stop?
Does it stop?
The term “survivor” implies a certain level of triumph or victory. The term ‘victim’ carries connotation of guiltless submission. I am neither a survivor nor a victim. I am a fraud, a shell of a person hidden inside a carefully constructed facade. I have not triumphed over my past, and the damage it continues to cause is due to my own personal failure to set it aside. I have managed to surrender my whole identity because I lack the courage to claim my truth.
Healing is a lot like daylight savings time...
fall back, spring forward, over and over and over again.
It makes me dizzy, sick to my stomach and depressed...
all of this back and forth.
Now I feel the path has once again ended
and I am left standing alone.
