Hey. I know it's been too long, and I should write more, but when the thought of you sits heavy in my chest like dark water, it's hard. I'm sat on the floor of my room. I can hear faint echoes of music rising from the floor below me. And. For a second, I'm back walking up to him at the steps of the old Salvation Army. This boy from my film class who I hardly even know, but he smiles like starlight and it sends me spinning. My heart beating itself into my throat. With such ferocity that I fear I might choke. On it, on my feelings. So I swallow hard and bite my tongue and smile. He looks at me and I think he knows what I'm hiding. Because that hug seems to last a lifetime,
His laughter echoes around the hallowed halls of my empty bedroom. His smile spreading so wide, That in my mind. It threatens to shatter his cheekbones. In my mind, I'm back at the pier. Head on his shoulder, Trailing my fingers like spiders legs up his chest.
His name is the only thing which made the alphabet matter to me,
Counting out the syllables of his name. Like " Hail Marys ". Like prayer beads, like a god might actually be listening to me. But. Every time we sit on the phone together. He's always so patient.
You gathered up all the shattered shards of my broken glass heart. And helped me to sticky tape it back together again. You gave me the space to open up. And as we sat there. Sifting through the memories. I'd find an embarrassing one. As soon as I'd show it to you. You would say " I'd have done it too ".
Sometimes. Sometimes I look up at the stars and I really hope you can see me right now. We both know neither of us ever believed in an afterlife but right now, while he's holding my hand, and making me laugh, I hope you can see. I hope you're smiling because lord knows I miss your smile.
He makes me so happy, like a million tissue paper butterflies fluttering in my chest, like my world stops spinning. Like he scooped my heart out of my chest and told me he'd keep it safe. And before you get all protective, he is keeping it safe.
When I walk with him, at night, when nothing but the stars are watching over our love. The comforting hum of his breath. Buried deep within his chest. Like a subway train pulling into the station.
As we walked past that takeaway. His face is drenched in blue neon light and it just about looks like a halo if I squint hard enough. And for a second, I believe we are both holy and divine.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record,
I love him,
I love him,
I love him.