sometimes
i can't tell
if it's strength
or weakness
that keeps me here

it's something
i ponder
nearly every night
while
i'm trying
to fall asleep

never afraid
of the dark
but terrified
of the light

holding
and gripping
ugly memories
tight

sleep happens
but i never feel
rested

the vessels
in my eyes
fill with blood
as i attempt
to rub the tears
away
and the salt
tears up my skin,
making it pink
and raw

i've attempted
to heal
with pills
and doctors
who ask me
how
i
feel

but how
do you
explain
the unreal?

that your mother
tore your heart out
and stomped
with her heel

and your
father
blew his brains out
without
telling
you
how
bad
he
feels

i'm left
humming tunes
to songs
that don't exist

while
trying to forget
the memories
i missed

doing my best
not to get ******

but, ****

what the hell
am i
even
still doing here?