Aug 2013
I was angry.
******.
I ran from the beach. I held my towel and sweater.
My glasses were foggy.
I couldn't see anything.
I pulled them off and clenched them in my fist.
I flew over the bridge and tore through the woods.
My flashlight beam was slow
Wavering.
I ran
tripped
jumped
panted
scraped
screamed
flew
up the stairs.
I was angry.
******.
Why couldn't they leave me alone.
Up the stairs.
Rocks
Sticks
Bumps
******* sharp things
Leaves.
The lights of the house glowed up ahead.
Bright.
Too bright.
Like my grandma.
I ran to them.
Around the house.
Through the door.
Bright greeted me.
Are you going in the sauna?
Why the **** do we HAVE a sauna!!!!!
We're in the middle of nowhere
We swim in a lake
We drive an hour
To get to the closest town
And yet we have a SAUNA
No. I'm not going in.
I'm already steaming.
Even though I'm steaming
A *** boiling over
She SMILES
******* SMILES
Why are you SMILING?
So you're just fine like that?
Slam.
Slam the door.
Goodbye.
No more.
I'm crying.
Hot tears over my cold body.
My nose hurts.
I cry and cry.
But no one hears me.
He's in the next room
And he doesn't hear me.
They're still at the beach. I hear them
And they don't hear me.
I sit on the floor.
I ignore the wet spot I'm making on the stupid grey rug.
I pull my wet towel to me.
I haven't dried off yet.
I don't.
I don't care.
I stand up.
I stop crying and pull my towel over my head.
It is dark.
I stand there.
And then I walk.
Through the room
Bumping into beds and walls.
I am nothing.
Nothingness itself.
I see no one
And no one sees me.
I can't see.
I can't see.
I hear my name over and over.
What is that?
Nothing.
What did you say?
Nothing.
What do you want?
Nothing.
Yeah right.
What's up?
Nothing.
Sure. Nothing.
The word one uses when we cannot speak.
I stop being nothing and take off the towel.
I am not nothing.
I am Nikita.
I am crying again.
I hear them coming up the stairs outside.
I gather my clothes and put on my glasses.
Still foggy.
I take them off.
I leave the room.
Are you heading to the sauna?
No.
I go to the bathroom.
STOP SAYING MY NAME
I DON'T WANT DESSERT
I DON'T WANT CHOCOLATE CAKE
I'm crying again.
******.
I ran from the beach. I held my towel and sweater.
My glasses were foggy.
I couldn't see anything.
I pulled them off and clenched them in my fist.
I flew over the bridge and tore through the woods.
My flashlight beam was slow
Wavering.
I ran
tripped
jumped
panted
scraped
screamed
flew
up the stairs.
I was angry.
******.
Why couldn't they leave me alone.
Up the stairs.
Rocks
Sticks
Bumps
******* sharp things
Leaves.
The lights of the house glowed up ahead.
Bright.
Too bright.
Like my grandma.
I ran to them.
Around the house.
Through the door.
Bright greeted me.
Are you going in the sauna?
Why the **** do we HAVE a sauna!!!!!
We're in the middle of nowhere
We swim in a lake
We drive an hour
To get to the closest town
And yet we have a SAUNA
No. I'm not going in.
I'm already steaming.
Even though I'm steaming
A *** boiling over
She SMILES
******* SMILES
Why are you SMILING?
So you're just fine like that?
Slam.
Slam the door.
Goodbye.
No more.
I'm crying.
Hot tears over my cold body.
My nose hurts.
I cry and cry.
But no one hears me.
He's in the next room
And he doesn't hear me.
They're still at the beach. I hear them
And they don't hear me.
I sit on the floor.
I ignore the wet spot I'm making on the stupid grey rug.
I pull my wet towel to me.
I haven't dried off yet.
I don't.
I don't care.
I stand up.
I stop crying and pull my towel over my head.
It is dark.
I stand there.
And then I walk.
Through the room
Bumping into beds and walls.
I am nothing.
Nothingness itself.
I see no one
And no one sees me.
I can't see.
I can't see.
I hear my name over and over.
What is that?
Nothing.
What did you say?
Nothing.
What do you want?
Nothing.
Yeah right.
What's up?
Nothing.
Sure. Nothing.
The word one uses when we cannot speak.
I stop being nothing and take off the towel.
I am not nothing.
I am Nikita.
I am crying again.
I hear them coming up the stairs outside.
I gather my clothes and put on my glasses.
Still foggy.
I take them off.
I leave the room.
Are you heading to the sauna?
No.
I go to the bathroom.
STOP SAYING MY NAME
I DON'T WANT DESSERT
I DON'T WANT CHOCOLATE CAKE
I'm crying again.
