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Oct 2021
I will add you to the list
names I’ve carved into my skins
The names I’ve crossed out
I traced yours to add to the collection
Knowing I’d never have the chance to inscribe it before I was gone.  had I waited for it to be signed to me. You were the epilogue. Wrapped up a few loose ends while I hoped and prepared for hints of a sequel.
I knew I liked the way it ended better than the way the story started. The contents were gruesome bland and disappointing. I wasn’t even sure why I kept turning the pages. Looking for more but not hopeful to find it. And I’m not sure if it’s because all the others were never you. Or if it’s because I knew yours would be the last and I’d never survive it. It’s like you were the sentence and I couldn’t find words to write it
Whatever the reason I put you there knowing you never wanted to be accepted. Knowing you didn’t even know I existed. The first time I saw you your eyes looked like home. Never Feeling home this had to be the closest. guess for you I didn’t mind to love and to die never knowing the warmth of real belonging. I stare at the stares and make wasted wishes knowing you’d never look up at the same time as me. It’s sad really but the kind of sad that makes you feel stillness and stagnant. And isn’t it weird how the stillness is so silent that it screams all the lines of all the pages you hated to create them. Like a record reminding you exactly how many times you weren’t enough. And how many times you would never amount to anything. It’s black and white and you’ll never see it brought to color. I knew I set myself up and the fault belongs to me. I told you I adored you more than you realized. I gave you a chunk of not only my worldly flesh but of my soul knowing you could want it nor could you keep it. I couldn’t have it because with out you It wouldn’t keep beating . I ripped it out and dropped it in you ice cold hands and wanted nothing from you in return. I said nothing and I ran. I found my place of safety in secret.
I rolled up my sleeve whispered your name as I retraced. it looked so beautiful in blood red I almost wanted to wait in the moment just to save it. Taste one last flavor of hope before i crossed  off and erased it. I made sure to reach  deep into the bones engraving you there so when there nothing left of me, but rot and decay, death herself can still read your name. And I was only hoping you’d know that I was willing to have you in nothing more than breaks and bruises and stitched shut scar tissue. maybe you’d be able to see just a glimpse of how I see you. I hoped it would help you see that even if my love could only be buried 6 feet I would take it. I would dig it straight to the underworld. Burning as I faced all my demons. somewhere somehow someone knew you should have a plot next to right next to mine. And I may never no the reason. And if no one ever visits. I wouldn’t really mind. I would wait patiently for you in the after. I had no guarantee for you to show up the choice was never mine it was; just like me; always yours to do with as you please, but if you never find a better place in your life. Ill keep one open for you, in case you decide if you want to meet up where the spirits meet the bones just past the borderline of the passing seasons. When you stop at the cross roads take a left  and then a right. Go all down the stair way it’s a pretty steep flight. Isle thirteen row seven I think that’s your favorite.  If you kid me at all walk just a few places. Find the set of stones marked “two lost souls that only death could bring together.”

It’s not meant for this world but is the a chance in another?
JustHayy
Written by
JustHayy  25/F
(25/F)   
46
 
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