Aug 2013

I am not happy, excited, sad, or upset.

I am Nothing.

I do not feel happy, excited, sad, or upset.

I feel Nothing. I simply just Exist.

I am not Alive; merely only breathing (barely).

Everyday is the same, this routine has become the norm day in and day out. Late nights are beginning to let sanity slip through the open gate in my mind.

Monotony has crippled me, left me gasping for air like a fish on dry land.

What if I jump off the nearest bridge into the frigid river below? Will the water rush into my lungs
and rivive me? Or will the water just finally shock the faulty wires into no longer working?

When will I finally feel like I am living, and not just surviving? Will I ever be able to take a risk, or will the nightmare that is failure always haunt me like a never fading shadow? Will the parasite known as depression always continue to drain me?

Everyday is a battle, I'm just trying to get through these spirit crushing days. They are more daunting than I could have ever imagined. The only release is sleep, where the vision and make-belief of death is quite comforting.

I continue to memorize the night sky, and watch the stars fade away and reappear. Fade away and reappear. Fade away and reappear. Just like my self-harm scars. I only beg, wish, and plead that they fade away into the all consuming darkness and suffocate to death in there.

Revive me. Save me. Forgive me. Release me.

I am Nothing. I feel Nothing.

Ryan Downum
Written by
Ryan Downum  Illinois
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