What is about some people insisting I want to engage with whatever they are watching singing along to listening to
recently, on a long haul train travelling from A to Z in the rudimentary rammy to find the unreserved seats enter the 20-something alluring guitar laden leather and tattoo clad female tumbling onto the next table to me unpacking as if she was moving in
munchable fruit laptop gleaming white in clear conflict with the dreads and the beads pumped in patchouli oil drenched in love and peace armed with a dvd that would shortly crush the spirits of every soul in Coach D: the Quiet Coach
enter screaming chipmunks hysteric children and songs to sing along to which she did with obsessive precision
insisting that Coach D should in some way be enlightened entertained entranced and ultimately impressed
such was her overbearing desire to love thyself above all things give the peace sign when appropriate and otherwise don't give 2 F's for anyone else, regardless of situation.
consumer behaviours were erratic at best if the Jedi senses were anything to go by
if i'd had a handheld vibe particle device I could have created a pathological combustion and an accelerated Coach D A-Bomb
heads turned feet shuffled zips unzipped and re-zipped open hands holding Kindles immersed in philanthropic discourse turned to clenching fists the sound of bent drink cans rusted cogs in motion deep breathing
even level 1 Tetris became too much for the bald fellow to my left who accepted failure and opted to purchase a large brown bag of beer from the bar
libation and the pagan ideals; imbibe thyself to dull the senses
I concur and, in exchange for our classic colonial restraint on behalf of Coach D I wish upon you the following:
1. You will never again drink a decent coffee from any vendor anywhere in the world, ever.
2. Your laptop will turn off during any movie you sing along to, silent or otherwise.
3. Your guitar strings snap during a performance in front of people you don't know who paid to get in.
4. Your Tattoo artist has an epic fail and tattoo's a defamatory remark rather then your lovers name.
5. Your leather trousers shrink wrap and make the sound of bursting bubble wrap every time you move.
6. Your comfortable shoes attract bits of grit like a magnet, regardless what you are wearing.
7. Your waft of perfume is likened to compressed 7 year old blue cheese that has sat in the sun for weeks.
8. Your location at any time has a global no shoot-and-miss policy for all birds without exception. (even the ones that don't fly)
9. Your singing is so electric that every time you sing in public your hair stands on end and cutlery sticks to your nose.
10. Your beer is always warm. 11. Your wine corked. 12. Your water salty.
13. That this poem goes viral on the internet expressing one man's words which mirror the every day person working their socks off to make a living and in the hectic hustle and bustle one of the sanctuaries is Coach D on the way home from the City and the frustration and restraint of anti-social conduct and basic respect.
14. That I will be on David Letterman or the Late Late Show or USA tonight or the BBC prime time news or some such over-hyped TV show talking about you.
15. That you will thank me for making you a celebrity by default - 15.1 and subsequently appear on late night Z-list celebrity game shows involving boxes of spiders.
You are the worst Muse ever in the history of Muses