Oct 2020
Friends and family often ask me what suffering from bipolar is like
I always give the same cookie-cutter response.
It is comprised of really high highs
It also has really low lows and
If you are fortunate enough you have periods of baseline.
I have never been able to explain that complexity in my head.
I was never been able to explain the pain and suffering that has been happening for over 8 years.
I was never able to explain that the lows are sometimes last months or years of hate and self-loathing.
I was never able to explain the thought never stops you can not eat, sleep, or breathe without feeling pain.
I was never able to explain that you feel like your drowning and
you are using all your energy to stay afloat that it is easier to just give up some time and sink.
I was never able to explain that everything is spinning out of control that you cling on to anything you can.
I was never able to explain that the hurtful thing I caused to myself
was out of survival to show to myself I could still control
something, anything in a place that feels like you will never feel stable again.
I was never able to explain how the highs are not highs they are a
monster dressed as an angle that seduces you to believe that things are better.
I was never able to explain how that demon pushes you past all your limits until you find yourself alone and drained.
I was never able to explain the addiction to the feeling of happiness that comes on occasions with the highs
I was never able to explain that after living in darkness for so long the high is all you can ask for even if you know it will hurt you.
If I had to explain to people now what it is like to suffer from bipolar disorder is like, I would say it is exhausting.
The thoughts never end.
They never stop no matter how depressed or manic you are.
You lie awake all night because you can not silence them.
You wake up before sunrise because your awoken by the racing of the thoughts.
Your brain never stops.
You are left on the floor immobilized unable to do anything but listen to your head feeding you lies.
You are left with a body that can no longer function.
You are left exhausted and that feeling never goes away.
If I had to describe bipolar disorder in one word it would be
Exhaustion
I always give the same cookie-cutter response.
It is comprised of really high highs
It also has really low lows and
If you are fortunate enough you have periods of baseline.
I have never been able to explain that complexity in my head.
I was never been able to explain the pain and suffering that has been happening for over 8 years.
I was never able to explain that the lows are sometimes last months or years of hate and self-loathing.
I was never able to explain the thought never stops you can not eat, sleep, or breathe without feeling pain.
I was never able to explain that you feel like your drowning and
you are using all your energy to stay afloat that it is easier to just give up some time and sink.
I was never able to explain that everything is spinning out of control that you cling on to anything you can.
I was never able to explain that the hurtful thing I caused to myself
was out of survival to show to myself I could still control
something, anything in a place that feels like you will never feel stable again.
I was never able to explain how the highs are not highs they are a
monster dressed as an angle that seduces you to believe that things are better.
I was never able to explain how that demon pushes you past all your limits until you find yourself alone and drained.
I was never able to explain the addiction to the feeling of happiness that comes on occasions with the highs
I was never able to explain that after living in darkness for so long the high is all you can ask for even if you know it will hurt you.
If I had to explain to people now what it is like to suffer from bipolar disorder is like, I would say it is exhausting.
The thoughts never end.
They never stop no matter how depressed or manic you are.
You lie awake all night because you can not silence them.
You wake up before sunrise because your awoken by the racing of the thoughts.
Your brain never stops.
You are left on the floor immobilized unable to do anything but listen to your head feeding you lies.
You are left with a body that can no longer function.
You are left exhausted and that feeling never goes away.
If I had to describe bipolar disorder in one word it would be
Exhaustion
