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Sep 14
Some nights I lie awake not knowing what to feel
About this year that has brought so much ******* pain,
And I know I am so lucky
In so many ways,
Yet still I am afraid —

See I awoke yesterday to skies raining ash
And smoke-choked clouds,
And I cannot shake the worry that one day soon I will be woken in the dark,
Five minutes from a death by fire;
That I will return days later to find
The charred remains of my childhood possessions,
My family’s photos, the physical manifestation of the things I hold dear,
Knowing this has happened to so many others,
That it’s happening even as I write;

See I live in a country
Where to wear a mask is seen by many as an attack on personal liberty,
Where science has become political
And facts are constantly up for debate;
Where people are dying by the tens of thousands and we fear it will keep getting worse,
And this all could have been prevented before it happened
But now it is happening and being denied every day;
Where people with health issues like me can be considered worthless to society,
And it costs thousands of dollars to get care that should be free;
Where innocent people are gunned down for the color of their skin
And denied medication and healthcare and jobs and housing and help and so so much more
And people think their deaths do not matter because they think they do not matter
And suffering is blamed only on those who are suffering.

And believe me, I count my blessings everyday,
But I think, what can I do but help and hope and pray;
And every day I keep expecting to wake up
Depressed again, finally felled by the weight of the world
But miraculously I am not —

See I have friends and family and money and medication and I am safe and so so lucky,
But some nights I lie awake listening to songs about death and darkness and despair that bring tears to my eyes,
Waiting, wondering, wanting to cry;
And I feel the tightness in my chest and the ache in my heart yet the sobs will not come —
No tears flow down my cheeks,
No sound leaves my throat,
No shivers rack my body;
But I worry that one day the dam will burst and I will once again go back to that place of hurting too much and not caring at all,
To the sobbing for hours, the thoughts of self harm, the feeling my heart is being ripped in two
And that my fear the world is ****** is certain and true;
And I curse my broken body and the chronic pain that will no longer allow me to
Dance away my worries
Or take all the classes that I want
Or protest in streets or parks
Or write poems long into the dark —

I hold them in my heart —
The sick, the injured, the disabled, the dying, the depressed, the homeless, the hungry, the jobless, the grieving, the suffering —
The ones struggling with the things that I am and
The ones struggling with the things that I am not —
I think of them and I donate and I write and I do what I can and hope and hope that we will come together and create something from the ashes of these fires;
That the weaknesses of the world will be mended like cracks on a vase in kintsugi,
Moulded together with something more beautiful and good.

But I worry this will not happen, and I worry about the pandemic and the racism and the climate change and the inequity and all of the things I want to change;
And every day I pray for everyone,
And steel my heart for the suffering that’s to come
Stay strong and stay hopeful, we will all get through this together
Written by
Kat  23/F
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