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Jul 2020
On a soundlessly still night,
The world of deliberate chaos,
Is lifeless,
As they’ve fallen asleep,
And their souls,
Gone to dance in the night sky.
Outside of my bedroom window,
It is a dim,
Foreign world,
With only the sparkle from the stars to illuminate the dreary night sky,
And the blinking streetlights to glisten the concrete of the side walks,
The trail for lonely wanderers.
Under a clear crescent moon,
The baby blue clock on my wall strikes 2.
I lay in bed,
Feeling nothing,
Nothing but despair.
Watching the ceiling fan spin,
With my blanket wrapped tightly around me,
To protect me,
From the monsters that lurk in the night.
I can’t fall asleep,
Like the rest of the world,
Because whenever I draw the curtains of my eyes,
I can’t hold back,
The flashbacks.
The little ghosts of my guilt,
That linger even when the curtains are drawn.
All of my mistakes,
And all of my regrets,
I will never forget.
I don’t know how to forgive myself,
For something I did yesterday,
Or years ago.
I don’t deserve what I have,
I deserve nothing.
For all the things I have done,
To hurt others,
Why should I feel content with myself,
When I know I’ve broken someone’s heart,
To bits?
The burden my heart carries kills me,
Ever so slowly.
I’ve learned to apologize,
As well as make amends,
And gift a hundred sorrys.
But what I’ve truly learned is that,
Sorry doesn’t cloak the ****** wounds.
Sorry isn’t a bandage.
And despite all of my attempts to redeem myself,
And express a truthful change,
I’ve received a thousand more exhausted sighs,
Reminding me constantly,
That everything is okay.
But only during daylight,
Am I okay,
Because during the nightfall,
I feebly sob,
These drops of gold,
Painted in the colour of a coward,
Just for you.
The lurking guilt trickles down my cheeks,
And they wash away,
With my pillowcase.
In the morning I will rise,
And pretend like nothing is bothering me.
No one will know,
Behind my cheerful eyes,
Are the ghosts of my guilt,
Waiting for the moon to appear,
And for the curtains to be drawn,
To viciously attack me.
I am constantly battling my guilt,
But I will always tell you that,
I have no regrets,
And I am fine.
Farzeen Rashid
Written by
Farzeen Rashid  16/F/Surrey BC Canada
(16/F/Surrey BC Canada)   
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