I get angry at you a lot these days. Not for the drugs Or for the intermittent appearances like a commercial during my favorite show Or for the arguments you couldn't bother to hide from me Or for the distaste you held for my father so ******* proudly that anyone on our block could tell you about how many near fist fights my mom had to pull you out of Or for the times I'd find you locked away in your room crying so ******* hard you couldn't speak or look at me Or for the times you got lost in space while I was talking to you about important things
No. Not for these beautiful moments of you in your rawest forms. I get angry when I remember how much I ******* loved you I get angry when I remember your favorite foods, and sounds- I can't even ******* look at Mickey Mouse anymore without almost breaking down
I get angry because I remember how easily you could calm me down and help me regain control Because out of EVERYONE in that household, you loved me enough to figure me out.
I get angry because I took the time to repay that respect just to have it spit in my eye I get angry on the days I think about my childhood and remember how you smiled but not the laugh. I get angry when I remember you telling me not to be a cry baby, each and every time those floodgates break In fact I heard it three times when writing this
I get angry because now, as an adult I can see myself following your foot steps And I've never been more proud And I can see that I've outlived you; surpassed the place you left your last mark And I am hurt that I no longer have your portrait like footprints to guide me I get angry that you made yourself my older sister when you saw I had no one And that I loved you so much your death still brings me to shakes 15 years later.
I get angry because you died And more importantly No one said you were allowed to do that before me And I get angry because I know that wasn't your choice So when I picture the last time I saw that car And imagine what it was like with you still in it I bleed myself in your honor.
So I'll run I'll run so ******* fast and far it'll make you think of when we used to foot race Or when we played tag together and I was always it because you were too quick
I'll scream in rage and in fear I'll scratch my arms and slice my fingers until my skin matches my carved out soul I'll rip the Earth apart into nothing but my love for you Until the day I can end this good mourning By hearing you sing your bird like chime "Good Morning, Get up, Let's go"