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Mar 2020
And here at the end,
what am I left with?
Too many to count.
And although they might not mean anything to you,
for me they are enough.
They have to be.
Because who would I be without them?
What would I have without them?
What proof would there be to show that I ever gave a ****** about any one or anything?
Without this trail of disasters,
there wouldn't be a shred of evidence to prove that I was even here,
or ever tried to do anything at all..

My failures are my legacy.
And myfailures are just as important to me, as your successes are to you.

I am a complete failure.
I have never succeeded at any thing I have ever set out to do.
I am not a failure because I was too scared to try.
I tried.
I didn't pi$$ it all away.
I didn't drink it,
snort it,
or smoke it all up.
I am left with nothing for the best of reasons.
My only vices were family, loyalties, and love.
Honor, romance, and integrity.
I never cared about about anything else.
I did what  was right, over what was easy.
I chose the honorable,
over what was safe.

Which makes what I am left with, these "failures" of mine, it makes them the most precious things I will ever have.
It's not so much that I failed, it's what I failed at.
I failed at all of those things that were well worth the risks.  

These precious disappointment's.
Without them I wouldn't have a thing to show for any of this.
Not even a whisper of credit or gratitude from the people who I did it all for, and ended up loosing right along with everything else.

My flounders are testaments to my character.
Look to them for reference.
See how with each commitment & through each endeavor,
I never gave up because of their difficulties.
The more I would lose, the harder I would try.
And the harder I would try, the more I would loose.
And on, and on,
Until there was nothing left.

My failures are my great accomplishments.
They are footprints of my life's purpose in this world.
Napolean failed.
Ahab failed against The Whale.

Chasing their passions, while trying to fulfill their own dreams and the dreams of those who surrounded them.

Sometimes, for the right reasons, failures can be what makes a man great and remembered.

So This big heaping pile of $hit of a life of mine, is proof positive that I am not some self-centered, self-serving son of a b¡tch.
And have never steered this ship with out anything but your best interest behind the helm..
And when I look around out there
at the vanity,
the ego,
and self-centeredness,
I consider the alternative.
And I would much rather be a failure.
I embrace it because it is the truth of who and what I am.
And at least I know who I am, and that is a'lot more than most of you can say, or are willing to face.
While all you do is hide behind the best things you can find in your lives.
You surround your vulnerabilities with the most temporary things and hide out in snapshots of the most temporary moments.
And you think you can fool the rest of the world, just like you have fooled yourselves with such a common and carbon copied fantasy.

While you sit there trying to prove your invincibility,
I'll be standing right here bleeding,
with both feet firmly planted in reality,
being exactly who I really am.
And although I may be unhappy,
I am still grateful.
And my gratitude outweighs my sorrow.

Grateful that I can see myself and the the world around me for what we really are.
And when I die, I will die awake, and fully aware of the debt I owe for such clarity.

So by all means,
judge me by my losses, I implore you.
and don't forget to judge me by the ***** I had enough to try in the first place,
and for possessing the stones enough to admit to the truth of it all afterwards:

And If given the chance,
I would do it all over again.
All of it.
Because every bit of it was worth the shot.
Because trying to do those things made me feel like more of a man than anything else I had ever done,
and believe me, I have done it all.
They were the realest things I could have ever set out to do.
They made me feel alive trying to do them,
trying to repair them,
Trying to hold them up under the crushing weight of the burden of their ingratitude, and yours.
They were the greatest thing's I have ever "Never" done.
And I thank God for the opportunity he gave me to do them, and the sense enough to recognize their importance.
And I apologize to Him for being Stupid enough to try and do any of it without including Him,
That is the ONLY thing I would do differently.
But I won't apologize for anything else.
Or to anyone else either.

Me-a natural born loser.🖕
   & still
Mykle Matwaya
Written by
Mykle Matwaya  39/M/Norwalk Ca
(39/M/Norwalk Ca)   
   --- and Fawn
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