I had a good conversation with a friend today,
About society, speaking up, trauma and depression.
And I decided that I needed to speak up too.
I don't need the whole world to hear my story,
But I need myself to speak up.
Because I know that I'll be okay, someday.
I don't know if this was a good decision,
But if you read this, it probably was.
Maybe it was, or maybe it wasn't.
But it's my story, so I'm the one who should tell it.
Yup, I got *****. I don't know what rumours you heard, but it's probably true. It didn't happen once, or twice. I just stopped counting because that realisation was too much. There were/are a few, maybe two people, that I would give consent to, but you see, they never wanted that. And then we have all the other people. all the countless bodies on top of mine and all the times I didn't even have to lie because I wasn't able to speak. But what can you do when you're high, drunk, scared, in love? What can you do? You might say it was my fault. "Shouldn't get drunk at 11." And that's true. I'm not proud of whatever happened back there, but I won't lie. I told myself enough times that I wasn't good enough. That I deserved this. That I just had to endure it. Maybe I did, maybe I was a bad person. I don't know. What I do know is what happened to me. I was used, abused, ***** and assaulted until I wasn't able to stand up anymore. And I did not deserve that. There is a difference between giving yourself consent, and asking for it. No one ever asked me. Everyone assumed I was okay with them touching me. Maybe they assumed so because we were drunk or high, maybe they just wanted to touch a girl. I don't know where to start. I was abused for a long, long while. And it ****** me up. I'll recover from a lot of it, but I'll always feel a little empty. Talking helps. It's still my voice, it's just a little different now. But before we can shout out loud, we have to learn to use our voice first. You will be heard, And you will be found.
I will try to tell some of my stories, because I have a lot of them. Maybe someday, and maybe now.