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Oct 12
i realized i had been born in the wrong body
when i was thirteen
shortly after my grandmother died
shortly before my fourteenth birthday
shortly realizing my body had been made shorter than was necessary
watching a movie with my younger sister
and realizing
that she was crying
but my eyes were glass
incapable of being born to cry
it was a sad movie
but i was more absorbed in my own thoughts
spinning this web around
pressing my body back down
puberty turns everyone upside down
i wanted to turn my skin inside out
nobody likes acne
i found parts of my body rising in areas other than my face
the difference was
you cannot pop your chest
i felt fear
in ways not unmatched by how i feel when i’m told to think about my future
i was scared
how do you just deal with
living in the wrong body
and god made it known
that the answer was
wear clothes that don’t fit you
a baggy t-shirt cannot hide
my vocal cords
when i’m rambling
or my height
no matter how tall i stand up
when i’m asked
what i would say to one person that i’d been too scared to tell them
i do not hesitate in saying
“i’d say ‘i’m sorry, i was too scared to tell you’”
but i am lying
because i would say
i’m sorry
over and over
i’m sorry
for not being born as your granddaughter
the way i should’ve been
and in some ways
when i wear a suit to my performance
and ask if the one sitting next to me has been binding their chest
for a few hours longer than is safe
i wish
that i had the opportunity
to break my own ribs
the way they do
because i would like
nothing more
than to have trouble breathing
if it meant
i was allowed to recognize my reflection
wrote this after a tournament also i hate being trans
ollie
Written by
ollie  15/M
(15/M)   
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