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Oct 2019
The summer I was 18
I fell in love with two men

The first was a secret
His desire for me went beyond what could’ve enchanted his eyes
He craved my soul the same way I understood his
What could it mean to fall in love again?
To let myself be loved
To know that it was possible
To understand that it was okay

I fell in love with him in June
I fell in love with the woman I became when I was with him
I let myself admire the way his hard muscles would move beneath his skin
He’d kiss me so slowly
He’d hold my face between his hands
And I’d tell him he was the only man in this world
I promised him that I never lie

June was the month that corrupted my mind
Everything became him
God, I welcomed it
The wind would blow and I’d catch his kiss
The sun would set and I’d wonder if he was watching it too
The stars would shine, existing only for him to make love to me underneath them

But June isn’t forever
June was beautiful
My love for him was beautiful
June isn’t forever

July came and I realized I’d been in love with a different man all along

This man looked the same
God, he was as handsome
But it wasn’t possible
This couldn’t be the same man I let myself fall in love with
In June

When he entered me
I’d feel him instantly disappear
When he’d squeeze my hand
When I’d meet his gaze
When he told me the same things the first man did
Their voices composed of the same shade of velvet
He no longer made me feel like we were the only two people who could have ever existed

Now, it was July
Now, all that consumed me
Was that I knew
with every part of who I am and who I’ve been
His love for me was like a hurricane
beautiful in a way that could only be understood if admired from afar
But sporadic
And the calm after each storm was what became the chaos that destroyed every city he’d built inside of me
His silence
I could never ask why

He made me wonder if I’d invented the first man in my mind
I opened my eyes and suddenly he appeared
I craved someone like him so desperately that it was as if
He was created just for me
He was created by me
Which will never be the same thing

He was as captivating as he was cruel
He told me that any love I’d felt from him was a lie
He told me how much he loved to lie
Maybe he loved to lie more than he loved me
His body lay still and asleep after he’d violated mine
I wish I could say he did not know how to love
But I knew
In a way you could never understand unless you knew him the way that only I could
I knew this man loved himself

But I loved him still

I loved him still

What to do when you fall in love with two men?
I could've sworn both men belonged to me
Neither exist, really
He could only hurt me in ways that mattered

Does he think about me as often and as desperately?

Does his heart break over and over the way mine does each inevitable moment his beautiful face enters my mind?

Maybe not.

People like him will never love anyone
Because they don’t know how
People like him were never worthy of knowing what it means to be loved
By me

I told myself that I understood him
I told myself that I still loved him because I’m the only one in this world who knew how

I understand nothing
I never will and that is okay

My life is no longer dedicated to trying to relive June
Trying to make sense of what I did to deserve July

My life
is dedicated to August
Written by
pisces  Copenhagen
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