The first was a secret His desire for me went beyond what could’ve enchanted his eyes He craved my soul the same way I understood his What could it mean to fall in love again? To let myself be loved To know that it was possible To understand that it was okay
I fell in love with him in June I fell in love with the woman I became when I was with him I let myself admire the way his hard muscles would move beneath his skin He’d kiss me so slowly He’d hold my face between his hands And I’d tell him he was the only man in this world I promised him that I never lie
June was the month that corrupted my mind Everything became him God, I welcomed it The wind would blow and I’d catch his kiss The sun would set and I’d wonder if he was watching it too The stars would shine, existing only for him to make love to me underneath them
But June isn’t forever June was beautiful My love for him was beautiful But June isn’t forever
July came and I realized I’d been in love with a different man all along
This man looked the same God, he was as handsome But it wasn’t possible This couldn’t be the same man I let myself fall in love with In June
When he entered me I’d feel him instantly disappear When he’d squeeze my hand When I’d meet his gaze When he told me the same things the first man did Their voices composed of the same shade of velvet He no longer made me feel like we were the only two people who could have ever existed
Now, it was July Now, all that consumed me Was that I knew with every part of who I am and who I’ve been His love for me was like a hurricane Dangerous beautiful in a way that could only be understood if admired from afar But sporadic Temporary And the calm after each storm was what became the chaos that destroyed every city he’d built inside of me His silence I could never ask why
He made me wonder if I’d invented the first man in my mind I opened my eyes and suddenly he appeared I craved someone like him so desperately that it was as if He was created just for me Only He was created by me Which will never be the same thing
He was as captivating as he was cruel He told me that any love I’d felt from him was a lie He told me how much he loved to lie Maybe he loved to lie more than he loved me His body lay still and asleep after he’d violated mine I wish I could say he did not know how to love But I knew In a way you could never understand unless you knew him the way that only I could I knew this man loved himself
But I loved him still
God I loved him still
What to do when you fall in love with two men? I could've sworn both men belonged to me Neither exist, really He could only hurt me in ways that mattered
Does he think about me as often and as desperately?
Does his heart break over and over the way mine does each inevitable moment his beautiful face enters my mind?
Maybe... Maybe not.
People like him will never love anyone Because they don’t know how People like him were never worthy of knowing what it means to be loved By me
I told myself that I understood him I told myself that I still loved him because I’m the only one in this world who knew how
I understand nothing I never will and that is okay
My life is no longer dedicated to trying to relive June Trying to make sense of what I did to deserve July