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Sep 2019
I can’t help but want you the same way the ocean reaches for the shore.
The way the rain begs to fall,
The sun needs to shine,
The words thirst to be read.
I want your lips,
Because they remind me of when I was finally allowed to love you.
I can still feel them, I hope that never fades.
I want your hands,
Because they held mine all the times I couldn’t stop shaking. When I laid on the ground with tears streaming down my face, they took all the fears away.
I want your arms,
Well, I wish I could be completely wrapped up in your arms,
Because they were soft & safe & made me feel like I could breathe for the first time.
I woke up terrified four times that night, each time wanting to scream and cry and throw myself off of anything high.
But I opened my eyes and saw that you were still holding me. The next time, the next time, and the next. You never moved. Each time the fear got stronger, your grip felt tighter.
Closer.
Warmer.
Safer.
Sometimes I’m so cold in my own loneliness,
But I wouldn’t mind being cold together.
I couldn’t imagine being warm any way else.
I surround myself with people and distract myself in any way I can, but I’m still just as lonely until I see you.
I never stop thinking of you.
When I’m working,
When I’m grocery shopping,
When I’m cleaning,
When I’m driving,
I just want to be next to you.
I want you to infinity, to the millionth degree.
I would give you every. part. of. me.
I love you, but more than just getting to kiss you.
I love the way you live your life.
I love when you have to pop your hip in, even though I know it’s uncomfortable.
It’s funny. Because it’s a part of you.
And I love every part of you.
I love when you’re unbelievably high maintenance,
When you drive around with no plan in mind,
When you go off on crazy rants and tangents,
When you repeat your famous quotes for the millionth time,
When you make me try crazy things,
When you’d laugh because I ate the steak faster than you.
I love when we talk, but I don’t mind when the long drives are silent, either.
I just like to know that I’m with you wherever you’re going.
I’m always up for errands, too. Anything to stretch out the time just a little bit longer.
I love watching you drink nasty egg whites, ruining your coffee, because I know it’s making you healthy and better. It makes me calm knowing you are okay.
I love when you whistle to your favorite songs,
When you stand next to the water and let the salty air fill your lungs, and the setting sun cure your eyes and sway you to sleep.
I love your fluffy hair and tired eyes when you wake up.
The morning I first saw that on the day we all went to the beach, I thought:
“Oh my God, that is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”
I ran off on the shore and cried so hard that day, just hoping I’d feel arms wrap around me and know it was you.
When you walk in, my heart beats differently.
Everyday I drown in your ocean
Sinking as deep as I can,
Filling every inch of my lungs
With every drop of you.
How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear all the things that go on in your head.
I would give up my whole life for you,
Go live on a ranch in Ireland in a cozy hut eating so much butter and living the simplest life.
Wake up slow.
Spend days long.
Spend nights longer.
Let the cold weather keep us inside all day,
Let the warm weather travel us all over the place.
In company together, in isolation together.
The thing is though, I wouldn’t really be giving up my life for that. You’d be giving up yours.
I’ve never seen you cry, but I hope you never do because of me.
I will never be angry at you, just as I will never call you the source of any pain.
Don’t you know?
You are the only reason I stayed.
Every single time I wanted to **** myself, you were the first person I thought of. By just the mere thought of you, you stopped me.
I want you but I can’t have you.
And in ways, that makes it seem impossible to live life. In other ways, it makes me want to flee the country and start everything over and leave everyone behind, but I know I’d wish I could just be close to you even if it meant I never get to give you my love again.
****, here come the tears.
I finally get why they say “if you love someone, let them go.”
Because if you really love them, you’ll want what’s best for them. For their family and their job and their life.
Your happiness means everything to me.
I will listen for your voice in the distance,
Keep you in my pocket,
Carry your smile with me everywhere.
I smell early morning you
Every time I drink tea.
I take a pause before I sip,
Thinking of sleepy cuddles.
You fill my lungs and I gulp it down.
I smell late evening you
On the cloth of my backpack.
I take a pause before I throw you over my shoulder,
Everything you are I breathe you in,
And carry you everywhere.
I update my playlist at night
With songs that remind me of you,
Tunes that sway me to sleep
Because you can’t be here to.
Your arms are missing,
So I grab more sheets, now I'm held tight.
The fan blows to replace your steady breathing,
The soft exhales on my neck.
I have my pillow a little higher
To fit your arm underneath,
I've got your body,
Now all I need is a sound.
Something to be the heart that isn't here.
I can almost feel you,
But not enough.
So I update my playlist,
It's the only way I'll sleep.
Wow, they really do write novels about this.
I just love you, okay?
And I know I’m not supposed to.
So I will do everything I can to make sure you don’t fall in love with me.
I will protect you and everything you’ve built until the day I die.
But I will always dream of you and wish you were mine.
Ok that rhymed. That signals the end of this novel.
I love you.
Written by
Words I Never Say  22/F
(22/F)   
248
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