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Aug 31
+-
I'm in shock today
I lost my phone
___

I made mistakes
Too
I know

I
Know

I know!

Which
Makes things
So much
Worse

It wasn't even an accident
I did it all
With purpose

And I feel torn

Yesterday,
I went back to my past
Butler Elementary
School

Bobcat
A bob
Kitten

This year I've been
Searching out memories

Trying to honor them
With acceptance
With compassion
With new eyes

From there I
Write them into
Web of stars

I wrote
Yes

But I took photos
Too

No one was there
But I was still scared

I surely looked like a creep
To all the Mormon mommies

I love them all but I know they
Need to be watched
Out for

I was flood
With memories
Good, bad

Some even fantastical

Which, now as an adult,
Seems completely
Unreal

Like how could of they let
Things like that happen
To children
To me

I'm lost in the last day of school
Twelve years old and
About to
Move

Away from Salt Lake City
Away from everyone I knew
Away from all my friends

To start anew
In Heber City,
Utah

So my parents could fulfill
Their dream of living
Back on a farm

Now it's my first day
Of kindergarten
And I'm crying or

Was he crying?
One of us, Colin or I
Were crying

My identical twin and I
Were always inseparable
True then

And true especially after
They kept me in straight jacket
In the hospital

And I stopped believing
In adults

Back to my last day of school,
A dream team of 6th
Graders get to challenge the
Teachers in volleyball

An annual tradition along
With the auction fundraiser

One of the items is to shave the
Principal's head
And I won't buy it but I always
Liked watching it

Now I'm
Crying in a closet
Asked to take my wet pants
Off and put on some
Spares

Now I'm in another
Bathroom and I'm being
Punched in the gut

Over and over
I Lose my breathe
Again and again

Next thing I know I'm on top of the hill
All alone looking over Butler

A 30 year old
Human
Lost in
20 years ago

Sitting by a tennis court
That I played my
First game at
Approximately
21 years ago

I moved my car to the other side
By Butler Middle School
And the Ice Rink
I learned to
Skate
In

I take a few pictures

And very
quickly

I look both ways
And turn around
And look both ways

Again and one more
For good measure

I make sure no one
Is around
And...

I pull down
My pants

I snap three pics
Of the wolf pup
On my diaper

I am incontinent
Or at least my littlest alter is

We have:
Dissociative
Identity
Disorder

I make a post to my
little alter's private
Instagram

We have a couple thousand
Followers but who is
Counting

JK - we count

I never thought
Anyone would love him
Sweet Pea

My little alter...
So he counts each and every
Single like and cherishes them

I post the pictures on Instagram
With the caption
Let's play ball!

#caseyatbat
(Casey was my name back then)

I write another poem
Sitting on the bench
Looking over the
Four empty

Tennis courts

And when I look up
I am captivated by the pool
Where I first learned
To swim

The pool with the Olympic
Diving board

It took all of my bravery
Just for one
Jump
'
'
'
'
'
'
6^^^^^^^^6

Cannonball

I see myself in
Every jumper

Remember what it felt like
To be back
There

Big Sweet Pea
AKA: BSP cause he thinks
His name is embarrassing

He is our oldest male
little alter
#DID

He is also our main
Photographer

Quickly he captures
A video of pool
Jumper

Splash!

He makes a post to
Karl's Jr.'s Facebook page
Which is the name of
His Facebook
Page

A real clown he
Thinks himself

And next thing
I know
...
The cops are here
...
I didn't see them coming
I forgot where I was
I wasn't sure
Who I was

There are
Three of them
Here

Next thing I know I'm
Back into Big Sweet Pea

Without control
Over my alter

BSP
Is also the alter
That holds the most
Memories of my
Abuse

The abuse, some of which,
Had happened right
Here

Or right there

I'm crying
They are looking through
My phone
Now

Commenting on the pictures
They ask me why there
Are pictures of
Me in a diaper
With a wolf
On it

While
I sit on a hill
Overlooking a pool
Where a lot of young children
Are in states of undress and I'm

Taking videos
Of it

I am
Taking pictures
Of a

Public Pool
With children

And now three male
Masculine cops are looking
At three pictures of
30 year old me
In a wolf
Diaper

On the tennis court
30 meters away from there

One asks me
Why is there a video of
People in swimsuits?

What was the gender
Of the person that
Jumped?

Officer Mustache asks me

"I don't know"

I try to explain
But I'm five years old
In my head now

What can I say other than
I remembered jumping
And wanted to
Feel it again
Written by
Evangeline Ruth Hope  Transfeminine/South Lake, Utah
(Transfeminine/South Lake, Utah)   
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