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Aug 31
He died and I changed
Never the same again
My life course
Altered
Forever
By a suicide
I always thought
Would be mine why
Why was it Ben?


The word "suicide" leaves a bad
Taste in the mouth for
A boy who came
Out to his
Mormon
Family at 16
Only to be ridiculed
Abandoned emotionally if
Not totally physically

All of this happened
Long before I had the
Words "I am queer"
Or "I am trans"
Or "Ace"

He was queering up the family
Tree breaking branches all
Over the place
His instagram was public
Fearless showing so much leg

He went up and and down like
A rollercoaster, building friendships
And empires
Raising thousands upon thousands
For *** prevention and treatment

Both in life and in death

He lived a life so fearless
It made me want to shine too
It sped up my process
Seeing his shooting star

And even when he rehabbed his light
Was always brighter than any
Of his siblings or his
Parents

Maybe that's part of why they
Couldn't accept him

His very eyes
Threatened the beliefs they chose to
Build their lives upon

I felt his death the day before

Except I thought it was a
Different Ben that was going to take
His life so I put my efforts and mind
In the wrong space

Leaving Ben my cousin
Hanging
Literally
Hanging

Hanging from a rope

Leaving me alone
As the only other openly
Queer cousin

The funeral held in a Mormon church
In Logan Utah

I had sworn to never go back inside
But Ben changed things
So many things!

I saw him for the last time
In a casket in a Mormon church
It was like a horror movie

Him there stone
Cold lifeless

The eyes that shined brighter than
Maybe any eyes I'd ever seen before
So dead and dark

Somehow it was my first funeral
My grandparents all died while I
Was serving my Mormon mission
In Costa Rica

I wept the whole time
Sometimes loudly
I lost it

And my extended family
Thinking poor Ben
If only he chose
Not be ***
I'm
Still Dying
Today
---
How do I look at them in the eyes anymore?
---
https://www.allenmortuaries.net/obituaries/Benjamin-Holdaway/
Written by
Evangeline Ruth Hope  Transfeminine/South Lake, Utah
(Transfeminine/South Lake, Utah)   
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