He died and I changed Never the same again My life course Altered Forever By a suicide I always thought Would be mine why Why was it Ben?
The word "suicide" leaves a bad Taste in the mouth for A boy who came Out to his Mormon Family at 16 Only to be ridiculed Abandoned emotionally if Not totally physically
All of this happened Long before I had the Words "I am queer" Or "I am trans" Or "Ace"
He was queering up the family Tree breaking branches all Over the place His instagram was public Fearless showing so much leg
He went up and and down like A rollercoaster, building friendships And empires Raising thousands upon thousands For *** prevention and treatment
Both in life and in death
He lived a life so fearless It made me want to shine too It sped up my process Seeing his shooting star
And even when he rehabbed his light Was always brighter than any Of his siblings or his Parents
Maybe that's part of why they Couldn't accept him
His very eyes Threatened the beliefs they chose to Build their lives upon
I felt his death the day before
Except I thought it was a Different Ben that was going to take His life so I put my efforts and mind In the wrong space
Leaving Ben my cousin Hanging Literally Hanging
Hanging from a rope
Leaving me alone As the only other openly Queer cousin
The funeral held in a Mormon church In Logan Utah
I had sworn to never go back inside But Ben changed things So many things!
I saw him for the last time In a casket in a Mormon church It was like a horror movie
Him there stone Cold lifeless
The eyes that shined brighter than Maybe any eyes I'd ever seen before So dead and dark
Somehow it was my first funeral My grandparents all died while I Was serving my Mormon mission In Costa Rica
I wept the whole time Sometimes loudly I lost it
And my extended family Thinking poor Ben If only he chose Not be gay
I'm Still Dying Today --- How do I look at them in the eyes anymore? --- https://www.allenmortuaries.net/obituaries/Benjamin-Holdaway/