Oct 2019
you can't walk in a hallway without a million voices in your head tearing you down
the feeling of crying while you walk into the cafeteria and seeing that everyone has their place but you never will
the feeling of eating lunch by yourself and feeling like you are the most hated person in the room
the feeling of knowing no matter how many schools you switch to, the feelings still follow
the feeling of going home to parents who know how to provide for you physically but don't understand why you feel the way you do when everything has been provided for you from the day you were born
It's like they wrote the formula out and they know the right answer but they keep getting the wrong one
and you're that wrong one
they set the equation right and followed every step, so what could possibly be wrong?
Tell me I'm not this. The blue began to flood
inside a room once painted black. Tell me I don't
see this. The orb of morning peering its start right to
my eyelids that can't even close. Tell me I don't hear
this. Birds chirping for sunrise, playing lightly as my
lullaby. Tell me I'm dreaming. My leg still twitches,
seven in the morning, because I'm afraid I'll lose you
before dawn. Shedding emotion in fast waves of flight,
tell me I didn't run through time, making stars out
of daylight. Orange in the sky, and not from shy
headlights in insomniac cars. Yellow, making its fellow
opening for my restless sleep, not a nightlight like before,
no. Tell me I'm not this.
Panic attacks for me are shaky.
I start to think everyone's starring,
I wonder what they're thinking.
My resolution is to get out.
Then the tears come pouring down.
As they do my body follows.
I sink to the ground and try to hide myself.
The sleeves of my jacket become soaked,
And then my heart feels like it'll explode.
Anxiety is a whole nother code.
My divulging outcries should
match the anguished weeks we've had. I've deceived all of
you with obscured replies, and now this distrustful person
I am is hard to understand. But you see, I can't decipher myself,
for I'm a traveler of my own heartbreak. A nomad without a map, searching for this knack to surviving. Deserted on scattered land, and each fighting "I'm okay" evolves me more lost. An unsolvable destination to which discovered, I may uncover a pumping, breathing new body and fresh spirit clean of a blemished memory. Deprived and striving; I'm holding on for that revival of flared hope, to where I cope with these thoughts in a better way. How long can you
thrive on nothing?
Will I last today, or is the burden too much?
A burden is the depression settling in around you like a rain cloud over only your head.
Walking from place to place soaking wet from the storm.
You are cold, you are sick, you are not okay.
2. A burden is the anxiety shaking your body until you feel like you might burst at the seams.
People can see that your hands won't stay still, and they stare.
You are trembling, you are scared, you are not okay.
3. A burden is the rumors your "best friend" has spread around the whole freshman class.
Secrets exposed to people you don't even know.
You are found out, you are alone, you are not okay.
4. A burden is the thought of suicide bouncing around your head.
The thought of death so good, yet so bad.
You are confused, you are conflicted, you are not okay.
5. A burden is reaching out for help and being punished.
No longer allowed to talk to those they told you would help.
You are lost, you are unprotected, you are not okay.
6. A burden is not a student who has experienced 1-5.
A student who yearns so much to get better, and just keeps getting pushed down.
A student who is terrified, who is lonely, who is not okay
7. You called yourself a mental health professional.
But 8. would never deal with this student yourself.
and 9. called her a burden to the entire campus.
But the campus is unaffected, the campus is stable, and the campus is okay.
So did you mean the campus would be better off without me?
Or that you would.. maybe...I just want it to end.
The hopelessness, the fear,
the constant critic in my head:
I've lived with them all for too long.
All I've ever known is this war, this endless battle.
There's nothing wrong with wanting it to end.
To wish that it didn't is cruel.
But why can't the best solution be the simplest?
Why do I have to keep fighting?
At times it's deafening,
and I'm so exhausted.
Why can't I just lay down in no man's land
and let this battle fall silent around me?
Why can't that be the end?
Because... I'll never know what's possible.
the feeling of crying while you walk into the cafeteria and seeing that everyone has their place but you never will
the feeling of eating lunch by yourself and feeling like you are the most hated person in the room
the feeling of knowing no matter how many schools you switch to, the feelings still follow
the feeling of going home to parents who know how to provide for you physically but don't understand why you feel the way you do when everything has been provided for you from the day you were born
It's like they wrote the formula out and they know the right answer but they keep getting the wrong one
and you're that wrong one
they set the equation right and followed every step, so what could possibly be wrong?
Tell me I'm not this. The blue began to flood
inside a room once painted black. Tell me I don't
see this. The orb of morning peering its start right to
my eyelids that can't even close. Tell me I don't hear
this. Birds chirping for sunrise, playing lightly as my
lullaby. Tell me I'm dreaming. My leg still twitches,
seven in the morning, because I'm afraid I'll lose you
before dawn. Shedding emotion in fast waves of flight,
tell me I didn't run through time, making stars out
of daylight. Orange in the sky, and not from shy
headlights in insomniac cars. Yellow, making its fellow
opening for my restless sleep, not a nightlight like before,
no. Tell me I'm not this.
Panic attacks for me are shaky.
I start to think everyone's starring,
I wonder what they're thinking.
My resolution is to get out.
Then the tears come pouring down.
As they do my body follows.
I sink to the ground and try to hide myself.
The sleeves of my jacket become soaked,
And then my heart feels like it'll explode.
Anxiety is a whole nother code.
My divulging outcries should
match the anguished weeks we've had. I've deceived all of
you with obscured replies, and now this distrustful person
I am is hard to understand. But you see, I can't decipher myself,
for I'm a traveler of my own heartbreak. A nomad without a map, searching for this knack to surviving. Deserted on scattered land, and each fighting "I'm okay" evolves me more lost. An unsolvable destination to which discovered, I may uncover a pumping, breathing new body and fresh spirit clean of a blemished memory. Deprived and striving; I'm holding on for that revival of flared hope, to where I cope with these thoughts in a better way. How long can you
thrive on nothing?
Will I last today, or is the burden too much?
A burden is the depression settling in around you like a rain cloud over only your head.
Walking from place to place soaking wet from the storm.
You are cold, you are sick, you are not okay.
2. A burden is the anxiety shaking your body until you feel like you might burst at the seams.
People can see that your hands won't stay still, and they stare.
You are trembling, you are scared, you are not okay.
3. A burden is the rumors your "best friend" has spread around the whole freshman class.
Secrets exposed to people you don't even know.
You are found out, you are alone, you are not okay.
4. A burden is the thought of suicide bouncing around your head.
The thought of death so good, yet so bad.
You are confused, you are conflicted, you are not okay.
5. A burden is reaching out for help and being punished.
No longer allowed to talk to those they told you would help.
You are lost, you are unprotected, you are not okay.
6. A burden is not a student who has experienced 1-5.
A student who yearns so much to get better, and just keeps getting pushed down.
A student who is terrified, who is lonely, who is not okay
7. You called yourself a mental health professional.
But 8. would never deal with this student yourself.
and 9. called her a burden to the entire campus.
But the campus is unaffected, the campus is stable, and the campus is okay.
So did you mean the campus would be better off without me?
Or that you would.. maybe...I just want it to end.
The hopelessness, the fear,
the constant critic in my head:
I've lived with them all for too long.
All I've ever known is this war, this endless battle.
There's nothing wrong with wanting it to end.
To wish that it didn't is cruel.
But why can't the best solution be the simplest?
Why do I have to keep fighting?
At times it's deafening,
and I'm so exhausted.
Why can't I just lay down in no man's land
and let this battle fall silent around me?
Why can't that be the end?
Because... I'll never know what's possible.
