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Jul 2019
pain is the physical suffering or distress as due to injury or illness.
according to that definition
i feel pain in my back, neck, shoulders
knees, ankles, and muscles.
but pain is also defined as mental or emotional suffering or torment.
by that definition, i know the meaning
of pain.
and i know it quite well.
i've known that definition since i was a toddler
when my mom wouldn't give me food
when she would touch me places she shouldn't have
when she picked the least unisex name possible
when she forced me to shave
because "men like it when your kitty is clean and soft."
i knew pain when my dad trained me to get him a beer
by giving me a simple look
or singing a stupid song
about his ******* addiction.
i knew pain when my mom out needles in my arms
and filled my five-year-old body
with her ******, ***** needled ******.
i knew that definition
when my dad had his first heart attack.
i knew that definition
when i couldn't breathe
because they both smoked inside.
i knew true pain
when my mom held a gun against my head
and my dad started crying,
begging her to please let me go.
i knew pain
when my dad whispered in my ear
to go inside
and call the police.
i knew pain when i heard them yelling
in the pouring rain
screaming at each other.
i knew pain when my mom pleaded with my dad
to please, please let her die
and my dad cried back "what about our daughter?!"
i knew pain
when he called me his daughter
and not his son.
i knew pain
when the red and blue lights
spilled into my little room
and i could see them
even though i was hiding other the green, purple, and teal blankets
on my metal bunk bed.
i knew pain
when my mom went to the hospital
all the way in the middle of nowhere
almost two hours away from us.
i knew pain
when she got restrained
the second she saw my dad
because he didn't let her **** herself.
i knew pain
when she got out
and cussed my dad out.
i knew pain
when we jumped in the car
and begged her to please
please just get in the car
and she flipped me off.
i knew pain
when she sold me to my cousin
and i was let down
by three police officers
who i thought were there to rescue me.
i knew pain
when one of them ***** me with his loaded gun
and all three stood there naked.
i knew pain
when my cousin, despite being physically disabled,
make me crawl on top of him
and his junk
and the cops helped him **** me too
all while guns were pointed at my head
reminding me of that night.
i knew pain
when i felt my insides ripping apart
at the age of four
and i felt that same **** pain
almost every month
until i was ten.
i knew pain
when my mom kidnapped me
and held me at that very same cousin's house.
i knew pain
when i snuck a phone
and called my dad
sobbing.
i knew pain
when he called the cops
and the same three police officers showed up
because they knew it was the same house.
i knew pain when they did it
again and again
laughing at my broken sobs.
i knew pain
when my dad finally got cps to go to the house
and they finally let me leave
but i knew i was leaving my younger cousins behind with them.
i knew pain
when my dad jumped from girlfriend to girlfriend
and i was being dragged along.
i knew pain
when we moved from house to house
apartment to apartment
and watched the same fights
happen again and again.
i knew pain
when my dad finally settled down
with someone who could tell
that i had been abused.
i knew pain
when she screamed at my dad
and demanded i start therapy.
i knew pain
when i started acting out
because i ******* missed my mom
no matter how ******* up this all was.
i knew pain
when i moved schools
and was forced away
from all of my friends.
i knew pain
when only three people showed up for my birthday party
and my pool ripped open
sending us flying across the yard
ruining the whole party.
i knew pain
with my first relationship
and my second
and third.
i knew pain
when they all ended the same way
with the same **** word.
i knew pain
when i made and lost friends
and when i started drinking
and smoking
and pill-popping
to escape all of my hurt.
i knew pain
each and every time
i sliced open my skin.
i knew pain
each and every time
i tried killing myself
with a drunken sob.
i knew pain
when my father decided
he'd rather have his girlfriend
than me
and sent me away to a facility.
i knew pain
watching people fight
and seeing the blood all over the walls
that one day.
i knew pain
with each meal i skipped
because everyone kept reminding me
just how ******* fat and gross i am.
i knew pain
when i left
just to return
to the same *******.
i knew pain
when he sent me back again
and half of the staff left.
i knew pain
when my good-for-nothing father
decided he'd rather have a dead daughter
than a living son.
i knew pain
when he made me homeless
just for me to move in
with my old friend-turned-******
who was every bit
just as bad as my mother, father, cousin,
and those **** police officers that traded a little kid's innocence
for a ******* hit of ****.
i knew pain
when i finally cut off that friend
and moved in with someone new
because that friend first decided
to slam my head against walls,
threaten me with knives,
throw pool ***** at me,
and try to hang me from that one open rafter in the basement.
i know pain
because of all of them,
all of you.
but i also know love
because of my fiance.
i know love
because they got me out of these situations
and they cook with me
and we laugh and cry and ****.
i know love
because they're so patient with me
and they allow me time to heal.
i know love
because i happened upon it accidentally.
do you know the meaning of true pain?
it really does get better, i promise.
you'll have up days and down days
but it truly is a magical experience
when you find the one
who helps you love.
tevah
Written by
tevah  20/Genderqueer
(20/Genderqueer)   
5.7k
 
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