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Jun 27
what comes up
must come down
and my hypomanic
phase is crashing down
on top of me, with more
new social connections i've
made just over a couple of months
that there is no way i can maintain without
that seemingly superhuman and boundless
energy i've had all Spring, but how to
explain that, who to pick, and my
guilt over having overestimated
my abilities, and people now
hurt over that, and it's hard
to care as much as i should
when it's a struggle to
make it from my bed
to the kitchen, or
washroom, or
even sometimes
to flip over... i know
well enough that what
goes down must also eventually
go up, but for now i'm getting by
hour to hour, and it isn't even a depression
just an exhaustion from months and months
of only sleeping every couple of days, or at best
sleeping 5 or 4 hours a night i think, my body worn
out and though i know this will pass as every phase
of this endless cycle that reminds me of a metaphor
for the mainly Eastern idea of reincarnation, i feel
it as a wheel, that i am the wheel, and it needs to
keep on spinning as long as i am to breathe and
live, so i spin it even on the days where nothing
gives enjoyment, the smallest task like running
a marathon, for no matter on what phase the
wheel is on, it is a much better alternative
than it not spinning at all, mixed-phase
rapid-cycling usually comes next, the
worst, but i am still breathing, i am
still keeping body and mind each
together with each other and for
now that is enough, it is more
than enough, and those that
love will understand or
seek to, and those that
don't i could never
explain it to them,
it seems to have to
be something they want
to learn enough to learn some
on their own... i remember getting
my wife early on in our relationship
on being in a long-term relationship with
someone with bipolar disorder, and she told
me how much she learned from it and how much
easier it would make things. when we got divorced
and i was going through the bookshelves, and when
i came across that book, i picked it up and saw that
the spine had never been cracked, not even to the
index or table of contents, and it made me laugh,
like i wondered if all those years before she
thought i was giving her that book for
some benefit of my own. i'm not
bitter or angry or let down,
finding that book really
made me feel better if anything,
but that's my explanation for not
trying to explain anymore, and at
times like this not to feel selfish or lazy
or like i'm not trying enough, i did that
for years, and it just made the slide slippier
and that landing harder. i've found that no-one
and nothing will love me, or take care of me, or
forgive me, or understand me, anywhere near as
well as i can for myself in times like this when my
batteries are just empty. the best thing i've learned
living with an illness that has a 50%Β Β mortality rate
and a string of broken relationships because it is one
******* to try to hack being in a relationship with
someone with it is that it isn't my fault, it isn't from lack
of trying, it isn't a spiritual sickness, and how liberating
that was, that growing up in a family where anything
bad always had a culprit, where getting the flu and
throwing up meant dealing with a heavy hand,
i fell into that thinking for a long-time, but i
am now at least at peace that i know there's
either no-one to blame, no more at least
than diabetes or cancer or genetics,
and that there is no way in the
world if i could now just
pick being this way or
not, i'd choose this,
i'd choose me,
still broken me,
like we each
uniquely are such,
just as i accept others,
just as they are,
just like i am.
i'm firmly convinced that the closest thing to cures for this illness, even beyond any pharmaceuticals or cognitive behavioural therapy are much more simple, but only are granted by the time, the great healer, those being patience and experience.

tommy petty & the heartbreakers - the waiting
recovering lovejunkie
Written by
recovering lovejunkie  49/M/Canada
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