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Jun 2019
In a place halfway between the sweet release of sleep and just feeling like complete and utter crap, I lay here collapsed on my bed with an elbow jammed painfully into my ribs while I ignore the pain, letting it blend in and start to numb just like everything else.

Caught up in a state of feeling like I should be bawling my eyes out but not having enough energy or motivation to do so, I lay here with my eyelids closed so tightly that a few tears seep through my lashes and down my cheeks.

With a shaky breath and a racing heart, I lay here ready to pass out from sheer exhaustion just so that I don't have to feel anything for a few hours.

Staring at the ceiling in the pitch black and empty darkness, I have nothing but my own thoughts and my mind's picture board to haunt me as I lay here contemplating life.

For the first time in what feels like forever, I questioned why I was still living, why I was still breathing, and laying here made me realize how **** tired I am.

Laying here, I questioned my sanity, why I am feeling what I am feeling at this very instant; not only is my heart racing, but it has this aching pain pressed around it and no matter how much I toss and turn, the feeling squeezes tighter and tighter until I am choking on my own breath as I try to gasp for clean air.

I finally let out a sob, and the tears start to flow freely.

It feels like someone has taken a pin and stuck it in me, and is pulling at my heartstrings for their own amusement.

I have no ******* idea why I feel like this, only that I don't know how to make it stop.

I can't tell whether this aching pain is the result of me longing to be with you, or my longing to not be alone anymore.

And the fact that I cannot figure this out makes me want to cry even more.

I don't want to be alone anymore...it feels like I have been condemned the fate of loving you -of loving everyone- for all of eternity only to have the void in my core never to be filled.

This is my suffering, this is how life shows me that being human is not all sunshine and rainbows, this is how I know that existence is sometimes pain and agony.

I clench my teeth until they feel ready to break, I ball up my fists until the veins in my wrists nearly burst, I tense my muscles until they start to cramp... I want to scream, but I can't.

I don't have a voice with any practice for yelling, and if I were to try, my mouth would be agape with no sound.

I would mimic the action of screaming, just so that I could feel the pressure build up in my neck.

For the first time in years, I bang my fists against my skull so that I can feel more, so that I can feel pain.

My hands are too weak to do any real damage, but just strong enough to make me feel that certain 'something' that can replicate the sweet elixir I have been looking for to fill this hole in my heart.

My stomach feels empty yet bloated all in the same and it is the eighth day I have gone without eating anything beside half a bowl of cereal for breakfast.

Why now, why right ******* now?!?

I was feeling so happy, so free, just a few hours ago, and I probably will tomorrow morning -but the emptiness will still be there, this I know for sure- and I will open my eyes, stare at the textured ceiling of my room, and shut them again so that I can inhale a deep sigh before getting up to brush the horrible taste from my mouth.
Sometimes we have bad days, and that’s okay. The bad days make us more in touch with ourselves and help us figure out what to do to make tomorrow happy.
Amarie
Written by
Amarie  18/F/PA, United States
(18/F/PA, United States)   
253
 
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