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Jun 2019
I  live my life
With goals and ambitions
I live my life
Making choices I hope one day
Will take me to
That happy place
I have always dreamed of

A dream,
A never ending land of
Joy and wishes that have been granted
An endless stream of happiness that
I hope will last forever

A dream,
A strong will to live my life
Knowing I did the best I could
But those “what ifs”
seem to be always around the corner
Creeping on me whispering “what if, you’d never left”
“what if you went back”
And alongside those soft whispers
Here she comes, my most devoted visitor
Once again making herself at home
In the deepest parts of me

She likes to be around me
She knows each part of me,
She knows all about my dreams and fears
She loves to cuddle me to sleep
But she doesn’t know
sometimes she holds me so tight
it feels like she’s suffocating me from the inside

So I cannot sleep and rushing through my mind
There are millions of thoughts, of scenarios
That I’ve created my entire life
With plan A followed by plan B…C…D and E
Because the idea of not having a plan
Is ******* scary
Because the idea of not knowing
What’s next
Is the end of the world to me
Because I feel lost
When I don’t know what’s next
I feel lost
When I try to make sense of things
I yet cannot see
So with my hands I try and reach out
For help, I scream and yell
Trying to find a way to soothe
My racing heart,
Trying to find an escape
From this tightness in my chest
But it’s always her
That comes to me first
and with her soothing voice
She reminds me that
it’s always been her and I and always will be

So that’s why I am trying to
Get stronger to learn how to live
Knowing sometimes her night cuddles are so tight
I cannot breathe
Why do you think I go to the gym?
Besides for trying to put my mind at ease
After hearing her whisper
“54? that’s not the number on the scale we want to  see”

Her whispers are so strong and clear
That even when she leaves
I lose sense of reality and
I don’t know if the thoughts in my head are mine or
Are just the footprints she left behind
So I freeze not knowing what to do
Too scared to take on the next move
Too scared for her to come back
And whisper “it’s always been you and I, and always will be”
Written by
Iz  25/F
     Bogdan Dragos and ---
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