1.26.

I sit by my bedroom window
Smoking
Waiting
Praying the Rosary  

Counting how long
it takes to inhale
different brands
of cigarettes

For 144 days
I have waited for you

Tracking every minute
Time
Tick
Ticking
away
is what I have left  

I don’t write these
sad poems because
you broke my heart
No
I write them because
you made me whole again

I remember telling Jesus
as he was about to
lay down his cross

“ you chose this
  this does not have
  to be your fate”

But he had made
his decision long ago

He never said
the words in my presence
But I know he died to save me

The only reason
a hero
is victorious
is because
they choose
to loose
everything

As I continue to look out
my bedroom widow
Remembering a day
I felt more free
Now
even the sun remains cold

That’s all there
really was
of me
That’s all that’s
really left
of me
A faded memory
of a passing moment
when nothing really mattered
Locked away in my bedroom
when everything seemed possible
in a impossible moment

If I could have it my way
the world wouldn’t
be much better
of a place anyways

I tried so hard
to save everyone’s
grace
but I struggle
daily trying to
save my own

And now
I don’t even have
Jesus around
to save me
anymore

So I am leaving
the graveyard
where I love to linger

Top of my class
On the honour roll
I graduated
I received my
Masters

This is my last life
With my death
I’m going to
cause natural
disasters