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Jun 2
At my brother’s
Graduation party
And they all know
What I did
Three months ago

They try to talk to me
But give up eventually
Because all I have to share
Is how is continually fail

“How’s school?”
“Not great, but that’s okay.”
Inside I know I flunked the semester
And didn’t bother to check my grades

“Where are you living?”
“At my mom’s still.”
“Oh, that’s great!”
Little do they know
I’m moving away
To live with a man
I know they all hate

Sneaking away from the crowd
To smoke cigarettes behind my car
This is the only time I’ve felt
Safe and comfortable so far

No more lies
No more “I’m doing well”
Just alone with my poetry
Alone with myself

Three months ago
I thought of them
Before I swallowed those pills
And tried to leave them

I knew they’d be sad
But I knew they’d move on
Nobody cares
About a no one
Nobody at family gatherings has ever really cared to talk to me beyond the polite surface questions besides a handful of family members who handle socializing better than me and are busy talking to other people. Since I tried to commit suicide, I feel like the judgement I felt before has deeply intensified. I didn’t like family gatherings before, and I definitely don’t now. It’s draining, fake, and isolating. I’d much rather spend time with people who aren’t secretly scrutinizing me. Don’t get me wrong, I love most of my family, but I guess family gatherings just aren’t my thing. If you really care, you’d bother to spend time with me or talk to me outside of these gatherings. That’s how I can separate those who actually give a **** versus those who don’t. I am grateful for the ones who do care and who have checked in on me or touched base with me since my attempt. It made it much clearer to me who really cares. My cousins, grandparents, and great uncle are the only ones I feel like I’d really be able to depend on, but I still feel so estranged from them. I don’t know what my problem is. I wish I could just open up to them.
Lost
Written by
Lost  19/Cisgender Female/NH
(19/Cisgender Female/NH)   
211
   Harper, ---, Fawn and rgz
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