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May 30
I will never be the girl next door
I’ll never be skinny enough to hold
I’ll never be pretty
I’ll always be me
Disgusting.Fat.Worthless.Broken.Rapeable.
Even if that means I feel **** everyday
Even if that means every time I look in the ******* mirror I hate the girl I see....she’s so ******* fat and ****, why would she even continue to breathe...
Abortionate my reality-please someone **** me
Even if it means I tear apart every photograph of me...please not today I’m so ******* ****
Even if it means I’m suicidal all the time...self harm on the daily bludgeon list
I have scars on my legs and arms
Words cut so deep
I almost got fired and cut “FU”-didn’t get to ****-but it didn’t hurt this time
Even if it means I can’t shower everyday...scared of astral things (***....scary)
Even if it means I’m scared to be a human being...mental hospital days (psychotropic to say the least)
Even if it means I’ll never be a **** beautiful thing....I’ll always see an **** beast (please don’t make me a meme) or if you do don’t show me...
But
You know what....
I’m okay enough for me
I’m no model
I’m not grade A-100%-pretty
I’m no GMO-plastic surgery-witch
I’m organic
I’m ‘the eat what you want and do you’ *****
I’ll make you laugh till you cry-
and cry till you sweat
Remember I try to tell no lies
I want a nerf gun fight
Wrestmania for life
Battle buddy
I want a gym partner who doesn’t make me feel **** for trying-going-or failing
I thought Failure was a part of life
To know-
I’m scared you’ll hold my hand
I’m scared if someone ***** with me you’ll yell at them-or try to kick there *** (**** we both would)
I’m scared that I think I’m really in love
Why
I always said **** getting married-**** children-**** that hypocrisy
Now I am the most jaded hypocritical being-
in love wanting to be your wife and future mother-
imagining our kids nestled up by a fire is reading them stories of times that they can aspire to be superhero’s or anything the want to be
We’ll tell them with love and kindness-you can accomplish anything-
I was in a school for teachers education-I want my life back
I almost have an associates degree in.....psychology.....irony.......it’s so funny.....so what do you have ‘honey’?
I couldn’t even finish that semester I had to drop out-I was scared of the finals-public lesson of how I would run my educational plan-speech now-gased out-cashout-god maxed out
Money? Hahaha...
You act like I can’t earn anything
I make 14 an hour when minimum wage is 8.75 I think
Ugh
Think  
And I need you
Nope (Lesley Knope)
**** ***** boi
You needed me
Why the **** do you think you can mess with me
******* *******-**** boy-McFlurry
But I loved you
If you’re hungry I’ll make sure you have something to eat every night (French fries over guys)
I’m more like your mom, ew right, not a hot piece of *** to hold and grab everynight
Still
I want that 60 shades of grey kind of boudoir night-everynight
I’ll make you laugh again
I can’t even pretend
I could’ve seen us together conquering the world
Instead you ****** a bevy of girls
People I could never even hope to be
You showed me ways I which I’ll never be pretty
I hope you know Im happy for you
Despite what you’ve put me through
Please I hope you do get married too
Really
Don’t feel bad for me
I’m suicidal it ***** but that’s life “dumpling”
Can’t always be pretty
But part of my feelings is really from your lack of love not trust
Can’t blame you though-
I just wasn’t enough
I thought you’d always wait for me
I thought being overweight meant nothing
Even if you needed to meet some of your own personal needs when I wasn’t ready
Grossly justifying things prolixs my reality
I guess I never be enough ****-pretty-skinny for you to notice me
Even makeup makes me regret trying
I always feel like my true face is hiding
I’ll never be the girl I see when I wear nice things
-fake ****-fake **** girl ***** ****-
Lol thoughts of self digression towards me when I wear those things...
I wish I could honestly be a *** and walk out in lingerie everyday
A teddy to caress me-maybe-people would notice my lovely body
Look at me the way I see me
Beautiful to say the least
I love my body positivity
Self love over internal hate equates gains
Im no potato but someone ****?
Why is being overweight a bad thing
I fell criminally insane not clinically
Like **** I like mundanity
Mundanity over boogie *** reality
I wear clothes not outfits
I shop in places you wouldn’t even walk in
Macklemore-thrift shop-popping
My style exists to alienate you
Make you feel guilty instead of me for not being able to feel waxed out and pretty...ugh petty
A thousands lies on that babydoll canvas
Airbrush-photoshop perfection
Paint pro came to life
Photoshopped out of all of time
If I **** myself tonight-just know
I loved you every single night
The pain is heavier than any load I would even want to bear
The thought that you’re her cuddle bear-
Hers
If I was a bear-no-I’m a wolf
I’ll howl under the moon and stand alone
Alone was always enough
Godsmack
Under attack
The love I thought you had for me went cold
Snow-scar tissue-no one to know
I just glad no one knows
Rumors spread like wildfire
Astral projection isn’t a wide set knowledge
OSHA-Workers rights-safety first
I’ll never be a skinny model girl or anything remotely aesthetically pleasing
I’m just a Rollie Pollie
A Black-Beatle in the wind
A blackbird singing
“Let’s just be friends”
I want to lift weights-be strong-protect me
Instead
I want to be a muscle builder
I want to kickass
Instead  
I want to be my own security team
No one will **** with or talk **** to me
I’m 5.9 who’s going to **** with big ***** me
Instead
I am so scared
I want to go on walks without being scared
I wish you were here
My best friend
But her
She’s so pretty too-model for Levi-you- I’m like **** I feel so lucky-happy-for you
God must love you
She’s your blue moon-She’s your sunshine-Your midnight blues-She made you pretty in pink
Something I wanted but could never do
I just wish you chose me
I wish I wasn’t so ****
I wish you liked me
Why
Why not me
What’s wrong with me
Insecurity, maybe
Maybe if I was like her you’d want me
Maybe if I was skinny I’d be good enough
Maybe
Maybe if I was a model I’d be good enough that you would call me “slim shaddy”
I just hate the word “baby”
Maybe I’m just insecure
Maybe
Insecurity getting the best of me today
I really need some good *** ****
**** was always there for me
Unlike you, Mary Jane never judged or condemned me
She was a friend-everything
Flower power
**** I’m really actually super funny
Like kevin hart mixed with tyler perry meets vitalyzed tv (YouTube it sweety)
I make myself laugh till I cry-****-***** lol mentally only though -jk-I’m not ashamed to say I might throw up all over you one day
Hey don’t be mad it’s all a part of the game
I just don’t understand why you said you didn’t care about:
The way I looked
The way I smelled
The way I brush my hair
Or
The way I just don’t care
But you still didn’t love me
I still wasn’t pretty
You are petty
If I’m not good enough please marry her
Courthouse romance
What Happened to woeing her with your pretty voice-piano skills-dance moves-
Piano man
Have a destination wedding-
I hear St. Bart’s might be ready
I hope you have a honeymoon
That night I’ll finally forget you
Leave me alone-stop telling me you-just DONT
I don’t want to subscribe to your show anymore
One theatrical performance and you stared the whole show
Norbit plays when I want watch Bruno
Sasha Baron Cohen is my hero
Tosh.o-Comedy Central ***
***** swinging like branches in trees-and I’m the only one brave enough to climb this thing
I’m an opening act-a headliner-
Rocket man or Ninja Warrior
This is my story of how you broke a broken heart-
sawed it in half-
Broken apart-
Not even for a magic trick like you said-but for your own ****** selfishness
You stole my youth my only car
18-22-?
Put up for auction
Sold my stock
For what
Your ‘one’ true love
Her
You always said I was enough
Now I know that I am truly not
Now I know “in god” I’ll never trust
I even moved on and met some new guys
Guys who made me forget about the way you made me smile
Guys who loved me for me
I was happy without you by my side
But you came back with more wicked lies
Why
Why?!?
I wish I would’ve ****** that masterrdapper guy he wanted to **** and get stupid high-
I wish I would’ve ****** Christian and all his friends on his boat, or when his mom wasn’t home, in his smoke/fishing room-yes I really am that big of a *** *** ****
Like 3 nah 7 ***** in my face who am I to blame
Pornhub made me this way-**** of a century
******* for thinking I saved my virginity for you though
I don’t want your STDs you ******* AIDS giving trifling ***
Did I just take it to far with that, Hmmm I don’t know
If I was a **** like you- I would’ve ****** someone else better too
But no-
I’m stupid-
I still want you-
Only you-
You
**** me
Who knew
You already had when you left with her
Instead
I’m not a ****** anymore (am I?)
You made sure I was no longer innocent anymore
Why would you keep coming back for more?
Love me
Hate me
But you still loved her
More
I bet that’s why your exes keep coming back for more
You lead them on and they think it was something more
You ******* *****
You wanted ***
***** wagon-*******-Heart Attack
***
Duece Bigalow
Gigalow of a life time
I just want harry styles in my life  
Are those the signs of my times
Let you go and move on with my life
One direction
Sounds like life
**** this I’m tired of trying
Goodbye

Respite my dogs- RIP my hoes- Rest In Peace big Arron
More•Over- place in which you lose yourself trying to become more.
Written by
Zenlcaudell  23/Androgynous/Albuquerque
(23/Androgynous/Albuquerque)   
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