it pains me to swallow
like my saliva is a ball of yarn
like i could pull it right back out
hold the end between my teeth
and right when i start to panic,
pull it out layer by layer
unraveling everything i've worked for
everything i wanted you to see
everything i wanted you to hold;

and in that moment:
when i had decided to shove it down my throat
realization set in that i was throwing it all away
every inch of myself was once underneath you
we were crocheted together
one loop, two loop, three loop, four;
flower milk honey
i think of the country and lawn chairs
i think of the way people's bodies swing from trees
and how when that occurs
it's disgusting until you are a child
free of white moons formed into your fingernails
free of bruised knees and pale, pale afternoon cuts in the delicate afternoon light.
free of a humans eyelashes
moved onto your dog's
because that's all that matters as a kid, right?
your dog.
and i remember how when you walked to your van
that full moon hung right above your head
and i could have sworn there was a red line threaded between the two of you
and each step you took down her porch
the piece of the string i held
was  dragged further from me
until you were long lost and long gone
and i ran into the house
because the one thing i trusted in the entire universe
took the one thing i loved in the entire universe
away
and i was left with callused hands
from holding so tightly onto that rope
for four long years
of angry boys with angry fingers
of soft girls who moved their heads in the direction of my own
because they had no idea where to place their hands
or what to do with a pink tongue
against my rib cage.

i never needed those to scar, anyway
i took care of that myself.
my ankles bled and my arms shone and my bones sighed and
at times, my entire being creaked
in need of oil
from the pores of you, my love.
like the way that you held your head up with your wrist
even in your sleep
just so i could watch you
and when i would pressure it
it creaked.
a door
your wrist was an open door
and when you pressed into my neck
i held the door shut tight
making sure no one could get in or out
to destroy you to destroy us to destroy me to destroy "           ".
because if we face it
run head on
the only thing he remembers is that
first kiss across his eyebrow
because it was requested.
he could not recall the drunken 2 am slurs of poetry written on his name
how exotic it sounded coming from my white, sad, little mouth
simply because he could whisper languages into my ear and i would breathe a little differently.
he could not recall the way i grasped his hand
so tight so that he could never, not once...
run, run, run away.
i could never run my fingers through his hair
or curse my family under his breath
or scratch at his arm to push him off of me
because no, i didn't want that.
no, i'm not ready.
for the love of god
was i not ready.

i continually ask for you to leave
and for the first time
after we held hands in that triangle and shouted
"GRANT US THESE WISHES"
on 11:11:11 at 11:11:11
i received my present on my door step
on a rainy day in mid-january
you were no longer there
and that was okay.
but i must admit my journals do not agree
four years ago
"OH, I GOT WHAT I WISHED FOR. HE IS GONE AND I AM ALONE."
i want to take it back
i want to take every wish back
and every phone call
i want to stroke your arm
and his and his and his
and hers
maybe.
you may think i don't understand.
because at age 13, we care so much
but at age 16, we care so much
let me tell you
i have cared since i was 1
i have cared every single year since then
and i am capable of falling in love with each and every single one of you
if you cry
or if you scream.
I'll hold your face for eternity, baby.
I'll do it.
Just watch.