The world is grey. Well...slightly more so now. The nerve endings have healed. Yet the numbness has lingered. I stumble on my own feet getting out of bed. Is it that hard to believe I’m simply. Average. I get more lost with compass in hand. Although I can tell you how to find north. Theoretical knowledge always worked in school. But my life mentor is absent. What happens when there is no teacher in gym. A bunch of kids wandering the grounds. Some fighting. More aimlessly wagging their tongues. Trying to figure out the social heirarchy. Then there is me. Smoking a cig at the edge of the property. Day dreaming of past events. Even then I secluded myself. Unknowingly laying the ground work for the next ten years. Countless routines repeated with different faces and surroundings. Sometimes even the words would transition into the other. In those moments I was living faux dejavu. Losing my mind to my own reflections shadow. If only I had read the letter My past self had written to my future self telling present me to listen to the mistakes I already made. Maybe things would have been different. The possibilities is what destroys the intellegent mind. Not pain. It’s the “why”. The only question that will truly have no answer if asked enough. And I can’t seem to stop asking.
It’s strange. Not for the fact that i feel this way but because i don’t know any other way to be. I don’t consider it holding it in because it’s not a burden. My fathers memory will never be a burden to me. His absence...now that is a different story.