Worthless dumb baby trapped in a clueless adults skin. Too loud, too emotional, too needy, too lost. Self destructive but never self reliant. I'm a leech to the people I love. I can't function without their aid, I can't live without their validation.
The feelings I express with never be reciprocated to how my brain desires. Normal people do not burst and burn when feeling something. They don't ache for companionship. They don't regress for love.
My body is covered in 1,000 marks where I took it out on myself for simply feeling. Too overwhelmed by the sensations in my body and brain. Too overly stimulated to function.
I cry when the tone of someone's voice doesn't make sense in my head. I feel sick when people are not how I want them perceived.
My world is black and white. All I know is love and hate. A false sense of security and a stand-still fear. Infatuation and obsession. Boredom and demotivation. If I'm not feeling like I'm about to explode what's the point in feeling at all.
Neutrality and a 'happy medium' only make me feel unsafe, empty and numbed, I'm never satisfied. To feel so strongly is a blessing and a curse. When it works its perfect. When it fails it's fatal.
Attempts of my life over and over again at the fear of never being accepted or loved. That someone will leave when you give them all your trust. That someone will hurt you for simply opening up.
I know I'm a lot to handle, too much at times. Like a newborn child I need looking after continuously. Attention and affection 24/7 around the clock. I'd hate to be close to me, I hate being me.
Intelligent and eloquent but my emotional permanence is zero. I don't know how to function, I don't know how to be human. They say it's my quirks, they say its unique. How expressive I am is what people like about me... Only when its suitable for them, where they have something to gain. Not when i'm crying at 4am, screaming at midday, rambling spiel for hours on end.
I'm exhausted of me and I wish everyone else was too. I wouldn't take a single thought of not ending my life if I was truly alone. I've tried to push everyone away but I missed the feeling of being in love.
No matter what state I'm never happy and I fear I never will be. I wish I had no emotions, I wish I was nothing.
this is **** but i needed to ramble before i **** myself over