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Jan 5
Growing up, I remember always being in some danger
Someone would take a dangerous,
interest in me.

I would go home from school
Tell momma that a boy a few years older than me
Liked me but was scary
And wanted to take me away
She would say to others
"Such a silly girl,
With her silly little stories"

This boy, he never lost interest in me
He would draw me pictures
And take photographs of me on the swings
saying it was fun
saying it was harmless.

Soon enough he started to touch
to touch in the most intimate of places
him and his friend
they would touch me and i didn't know that it was wrong.
when I did find out maybe a year or so later,
I told mum
I told her and she didn't believe me because I was so young yet.
"Such a silly girl,
With your silly little stories."

Time passed, and he grew more dangerous.
He wanted to take me away still.
He wanted to 'keep me safe'
and he did
he took me when he got his license,
the day he got it
he took me and for two years
nobody knew

he had told my friend who i'd been staying with
that I was in London studying with my brother
oh what a lie
what a wonderful, believable lie.
And for two years
we were on the road

he implanted thoughts into my brain
conditioned me to behave,
to allow him to
yet I wasn't all there
I was a zombie
and he used me for as long as he could
then brought me back

people saw i had changed,
some even asked why
i told them
i told them that the boy was crazy
and that he took me and beat me until i listened
beat me until i said yes
until i loved him
until i was that zombie
with that stockholm syndrome
and all they said was
"Such a silly girl,
with her silly little stories"

he stuck around
because nobody believed me
he eventually got me to shut up about it
him and his friend
they touched me
they kept doing awful things
used me...
i became a mommy, and yet
my own mommy didn't believe me STILL.

eventually the cops caught on
they put him in jail a few times
but never long
and mum still didn't believe me.
she thought it was something
like a misunderstanding
that the two boys were angels
and whenever he was out again
he would say to everyone else
convincing them i was ******,
"Such a silly little girl,
with such silly little stories."

I started eating less
when he called me fat
i cut down on a lot of the eating i used to do
so he would still love me
when nobody else would
because in that twisted way
i did love him
and i needed him
to feel the same

i also started wearing less around him
in those moments when him and I were alone
because I needed to please him
i needed to know he would indeed love me
and i thought he did
he said he did
i swear to the gods he did

then he was put in jail again
and i was left with his friend
his best friend
the other one who liked to touch
and at the same time i was kicked out
me, mum, and my little sister
we moved in with mum's friend
and i got into a messy ****** relationship
with mum's friend's son
and he used me
a lot
the first night
he thought i was asleep
it started with a cuddle because
i was sad
and when he thought i was asleep
he started touching
moving his hands and fingers into places he shouldn't have
it hurt
he hurt me
he kept putting a hand over my mouth
to muffle the whimpers that escaped
in protest to what he was doing
but he wanted it muffled
not because someone would help or anything
but because he would get teased for finally
getting a girl.

at some point i fell in love with a man
a man on the internet
yes i know
exactly how that sounds
but i swear
by now i know my feelings somewhat more

He did this for many nights
every night
for two weeks maybe
before i broke it off
he kept pushing my head
grabbing at my hair in tight handfuls
telling me
'**** it'
or 'get on top of me'
or something else
something else that would break me

and then i did break it off and
the boy i loved
his friend
came over and... worried some friends
hurt me
but left before he could...

but at school he did it.
he pulled me out of classes,
went to bathrooms,
locker rooms,
his car out in the school lot...
and he was a lot less gentle than Him.

I started dropping weight,
started hoping He would be out soon.
I started eating even less.
i wanted to be pretty.
i wanted him to love me still
even though people online were telling me
that he was bad for me
that i should stop loving him
that he's evil

i would cry at
the mentions of ****
the entirety of the subject
because i would know
that was what was happening to me...
but still people didn't believe me.
i was a silly little girl,
with silly little stories

i kept trying to **** myself
to take away the pain
wash away all the filth
that had built up from Him and his friend
on my skin
which was bruised and scarred
not only from him
but also myself.

another friend of His
came and confessed his love
but rejection made him
pull out the gun
shoot me and miss by a bit
hitting me in the leg
then he shot himself
and died
and i still wish that he had been
a bit better of a shot than that.

i had surgeries
and yet people still tried to brush me off.
"what a silly little girl,
with those silly little stories."

i confess to that man online
that i love him
and he cares
he's sweet
he's honest
he helps me
he wants to, anyway
i admire that
but he's so much more than that
he's a good man
he's creative
you can always trust him...
of course,
he's so far away
and i'm only a little girl i guess...
but already he means the world to me.
i would do anything for him.

and lately
this group
of older kids-
they come over
steal the alcohol
and drink.
they get drunk and
one of them does the whole touching thing
keeping the cycle from stopping
scaring me
choking me out at times
smacking me
doing things to my body that i can only speak of in my head..
after all this time
only a few believe me
i'm just a silly little girl
making up silly little stories..
seeking attention
in a cruel world
filled with disgusting people
who don't deserve to live.
and i'm one of them, i guess.
here's my uh... story.
Kai Schultz
Written by
Kai Schultz  15/Gender Fluid
(15/Gender Fluid)   
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