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Dec 2018
The first time I broke up with him
It wasn’t a break up
We weren’t actually dating
And it wouldn’t have been a break up if we were
It was a drift apart
And maybe we’d healed all of our hearts we could by then
We needed time to explore the rest of them
And we did
It wasn’t a break up
But it was the first time
It was friendship and flirting and things in between
I remember he used to ask me what we could ever fight about
And I would laugh because kids laugh
I would say “nothing”
And we fought about nothing
Everything was nothing and it was worth fighting about
A disagreement, a mismatch of opinion
Our first fight, he said, hurt like its own kind of hell
It wasn’t face to face
It wasn’t screaming
It was quiet
I don’t remember what it was about
It doesn’t matter
It was a different side of him
Worth ignoring for his friendship
The second time I broke up with him was a break
A platonic waiting for the punchline kind of passive aggressive
It wasn’t on purpose
Anyone who makes your stomach do flips is worth it
They’re worth it
But it started to flip anxiously
Like the season had ended for those happy little butterflies
I started to get nauseous around him
He joked that I’d **** him if he ever cheated on my best friend
I agreed seriously
It wasn’t a joke
It was a threatening to rip his intestines out by shoving my hand down his throat
It was breaking the skies in half
It was a boy I once upon a timed apologizing to a broken heart with chocolate
I lost trust
Losing trust is finally breaking through the facade
Losing trust is still laughing and never asking for someone’s advice
Day by day it got harder
To ignore the fact that my butterflies were dying
I didn’t want friendship
I didn’t want a bunch of skeletal wings and dead aerial beauties
It got harder
Daily
He shouted
And ignored
And forgave me for things he’d done
I wanted to be better for him
I didn’t want to talk to him
I wanted to break up with him the third time
Severing a link we’d had too many times
I broke up with trust and wanted to break up with love altogether
It came out in a flurry
A week where I couldn’t control the sarcastic thoughts
“Are you saying that you think our friendship should end?”
I don’t know what his notifications sound like on his phone
But sometimes he laughs
Says the reply made him cry himself to sleep
And I imagine a ping at my response
“i’m saying i think it would be better for me if it did”
I’ve never been good at using capital letters
But that scream ended some kind of sound I’d been holding in too long
I may as well have turned caps lock on
I loved a persistent boy
And a charmer
Who never wanted to give me up
But it was a break up
And there were no drunken hookups
I laughed at his jokes
I made polite conversation
Sometimes
I still hear his screaming in the back of my mind
Across a cafeteria
About every name I was for ruining his
It was confusion
It was ecstasy
It was everything he’d said before fitting back into place
It was tears
But he doesn’t need to know that part
I broke up with him because I wanted to wake my butterflies up
And I could not do that with an abusive best friend
New girls and boys tell me they love me
And I suppose I’m just confused
Because he never treated me the way a friend should
If he ever reads this
Hears me perform it in a passing coffee shop
I want him to know I love him
More than I’ll ever be comfortable admitting
There’s a hurt to it
A breaking note in every song
That remembers
There’s a love for him that remembers jokes and late nights talking and a dare devil
And sometimes
I want our break up to just be a break from the relationship
But when I hear him scream
I want him to know
I cried because his butterflies had died too
Not because I was scared
But because I thought I would be the one to bring them back to life
wow this one is emotional tm how about i yankee doodle don’t
ollie
Written by
ollie  15/M
(15/M)   
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