"I haven't been myself lately."

And when I say that I mean

I've been spending Friday nights alone in my room chugging a 2L bottle of wine,
instead of hanging out with my best friend.
Because as much as I can't stand to be alone
My head is screaming at me that I deserve to be.

I mean that I can't wake up for work in the morning because I spent all night
worrying about everything that's going to go wrong,
And decided it wasn't worth it.


I mean that I haven't seen the sun in days all I see is darkness and Mom I don't know how to find the light again.


I mean I can't remember what it feels like to want to WANT to be alive.
But I can tell you all of the reasons I think I should just die.

I mean I lost my motivation to care about myself and maybe the voice in my head is lying,
But I feel like no one really cares anyways and why would they care?

I mean on Saturday night I sat in my bed for hours rocking back and forth,
crying uncontrollably with a bottle of pills in my hands
And I almost did it.
But I thought of you.

I mean that when I woke up in the morning I woke up with regret because I had the chance to end it that night
But I'm still here and I can't live with this pain any longer.

I mean that everything is still the same except I feel like i don't know who I am anymore
And I'm scared mom.
I'm terrified.

I mean that I am scared to live mom but I'm also terrified to die.

So when I tell you I haven't felt like myself lately

I really mean I need help mom.

I need it soon.

But I'm too afraid to ask you.

I'm too afraid that you're going to worry so much that you too will end up in this darkness
And it will be my fault.

I'm too afraid you'll roll your eyes and say "things aren't as bad as they seem sweetie. They will get better."

Because I know on paper everything looks fine.

But if you stepped inside my mind for just a minute you'd come back screaming "THINGS WILL GET BETTER BUT HOW DO I GET THERE?"

I'm afraid you won't believe me and I'm afraid you won't understand because mom I don't even understand.

And I'm sorry, that this is your child.

I'm sorry I can't control this and I'm sorry I have to put you through this again.

I just haven't been myself lately mom.

I hope now you understand.