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Dec 2018
I ate my first meal at 5pm
Breakfast was chocolate milk that left me nauseous
(of course it did you’re lactose intolerant)
I spent the morning trying not to cry
and then almost cried before I
went into the job that I love
(it makes you so happy?)
the pit of dread in my stomach
really made me want to die
just crawl into a hole
and cry myself to death
is that even possible?
(dehydration can **** you, have you drunk enough today?)
It’s true I live with the symptoms
of a female heart attack
most days
although I haven’t died yet
(but you could at any moment)
the euphoria from work wore off
I almost cried in the grocery store
after admitting I’m sad enough
to eat cake frosting straight from the jar

Sometimes I wonder why I call my anxiety
“High functioning”
(the avoidance is crippling, isn’t it?)
(but something terrible will happen)
or why I thought the depression was better
(nothing really gets better)
(but death would make them sad)
It was a mess but you just have to keep doing your best
Written by
milkweedangel  21/F
     SMS and empty seas
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