i.
I remember I spent all January 
writing this poem for your birthday
I was clawing at my head trying to gather words 
that could make you understand
the way that I needed you
as if my words could stop 
the world from ending it was funny
and futile. I did not know
how little any of it would matter

ii.
I can't remember Febuary

iii.
and I don't remember March

iv.
but I spent this night alone in April
that made me feel like I was 
once again myself. I was alone 
at a concert, he sang into my ear 
like an answered prayer
I danced in a crowd of strangers 
there were things to live for 
i was reminded

v.
all of May I was worried you would leave me
and I never said it out loud 
until I understood 
that it'd already happened. 
I wrote so many poems about it 
without processing, like automatic 
d a d a  speech
it was like a prophecy, 
the devil in my view 
I read those poems again a couple
weeks ago; I couldn't help 
but laugh 

vi.
when he handed me the first prescription 
sometime in June, it did not feel real
my first box of blue pills on a starter dosage 
with a diagnosis I spoke to no one about
I was scared and could not say it 
did not say it. not out loud.
not for another couple 
of months I spit out poems people read
and did not relate to
and I was utterly lonely



vii.
every day in July was spent 
in front of a mirror 
I was learning to understand 
my body through movement 
things were alright during the day 
the nights were still bearable
I stayed awake reading books 
to fill my mind 

viii.
august was the month that you hurt me 
I loved you so much I felt nothing 
when you used me that night and the day after 
you told me I was nothing but y o u 
were the one that turned into nothing
I tried so hard to cry for weeks it was funny
that it only sounded like laughter
for 10 years you were the one I went to
we haven't spoken again
I don't want to anymore

ix.
September my dog died and was 
buried in the mountains 
he had skin the colour and scent of black leather 
he was a spirit animal with no teeth in his mouth 
he lead me into an understanding 
that all things must go once more
and thus began a bent spiral into chaos

x.
I can't remember October very well
that was the month the pills really kicked in 
and I slept through everything but that 
time you came over and you let me 
kiss you everywhere
a couple hours taken out of someone else's life 
where someone could maybe somehow love me
I was so happy I was nervous; 
it was utter utter bliss
I can't remember much else, Somnolence was king
Death was a psalm I whispered 24/7
never loud enough to be heard
and I was a mess to look at 
that was the month I couldn't get out of bed 

xi.
in November I tried to pick up the pieces 
only to find I had less pieces than I began with
what I thought was family fell apart
we found a home to live in 
and I evaded your gaze like the Black Death
I convinced myself you hated me
that everyone hated me; another delusion 
they called me lazy. I felt so much shame
this was the month my mother almost convinced me to 
come off the meds in an attempt to
make me functional again
Momma I know I wish it weren't true too 
but it won’t go away if we pretend it isn’t real
we were worried about money
two pills a day, one for the highs one for the lows 
none for the memory loss or the hair loss or 
the tremors in my hands, hands that 
could not grip any sort of control 
over everything I forgot about
while I was sleeping

xii.
December was the month I got drunk 
and understood how I could self-medicate
all too easy and steadily
but I was happy again, steady again
I came off the pills my mind 
cleared so quickly like fog vanishing
I can write this now, I couldn't before
I told everyone I'd go back on them 
as soon as I could 
somehow I managed to look back 
into your eyes
and still see kindness there 
most importantly and most miraculously 
I woke up one day and suddenly wanted 
to be alive again

i.