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Dec 2018
I used you as a distraction from what was going on in my life, my heart has been taken since December 28th, 2014- not being honest with you, I will apologize for that.
and I apologize to the next person you end up being with because they don't know what's coming.
For their sake, I hope they're stronger than me.

I will not apologize
for how you broke me
how you manipulated me
how you made me feel that I was literally worth nothing sometimes
how you held my past over my head any chance you got
how you used my past addictions to pigeonhole me into something that I'm not.
I will not apologize for the fact that I couldn't take your mood swings, that I couldn't handle being told "that I would never be worth love because of all of my baggage" or that "every single other person I've been with was trash" that "you were the best that I could ever get, because everybody EVERYBODY loves you".

I will not apologize for staying longer, because you emotionally manipulated me into staying far past what I wanted to. You told me that I was "the one", that I could help save you that I could fix you that without me you would be broken forever. I never asked for that role, you tossed it onto me knowing that my caring nature would just accept it. You're a leech, looking for your next host to latch onto.

I will not apologize for not fixing you
in exchange for breaking myself.

I will not apologize for standing up for myself in the end, putting my foot down and leaving.

I will not apologize for the times you've cried and begged me to stay because only moments earlier you were threatening to leave me.

I will not apologize for my actions after or calling you as I see you.

A poisonous wasp dressed as a butterfly.

I will not apologize for the hurt you've caused me, for the mental trauma I am still going through after opening up to such a toxic person like you.

I will not apologize if you ever read this,
or read or see anything you don't like.
or if I ever pretend that you don't exist anymore.  

I will not apologize for the fury inside me. The sheer anger I feel towards myself to be so FOOLED into thinking you were any different. For being so ******* blindsided to the monster you truly are. For thinking you were different. You coated yourself in such a sugary sweet syrup only to reveal the bitter rotted core within.

I will not apologize for my lack of empathy because you have none towards anybody but yourself.

I will never, ever, EVER
apologize
for leaving.

I will never apologize for having to pick up the broken pieces of my self-esteem after I was in such a good place.

Why?

Because I will never get those nights back where I was crying from my very core over something I couldn't control.
I will never get the last 6 months of my life back where I felt completely and utterly powerless to do anything for fear that you would do something reckless or hurt me even more.
I will never. Never. Never. Get the memories, the places, the time wasted with you back.

I'm so angry, this isn't a poem, and I'm not ******* sorry.

I never will be.
Natasha
Written by
Natasha  22/here, there & everywhere
(22/here, there & everywhere)   
182
     ---, Fawn, celestial and George
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