it was never the big boy parts i wanted. it was their soft details. i wanted my arms to be more fuzzy, with wisps gleaming golden and straw in sun. i wanted my shoulders to be broad, unbroken, and busy. i wanted to carry weight and spin girls dizzy. i wanted a back, straight, always pointing north. i wanted angles and shores, i wanted fuzz and more. i toothbrushed my face every night, suds glistening, mind listening, waiting for days where i had something to clean, when it would feel just right. i told myself i wouldn't let it be me, i pressed into seams and skirt's flow and i acted like i didn't know how it hurt. i wanted dropped sounds and fewer mounds, i wanted free of feminine ecstasy. i wanted golf rounds and the sounds of a daughter looking at me and saying daddy. i pushed my fears into my pants, i held onto cramps and crowns, focusing so that i could be less man and less frowns. i packed and bound and wondered if i was right. if i really was Eli at night. so i'm sailing these seas of hormones and bliss, i'm sealing my soul with every kiss, and i'm looking at our horizons. and i'm wondering if there is a me out there.